Can't deal with Dictator Dad

It's relentless, every interaction my husband has with our daughter lately ends in a power battle where he's decided exactly how things are going to go, she disagrees/wants to do things differently, he digs his heels in and is really strict and stern with his words, she's not being listened to in the slightest and feels ignored/unheard, so she gets upset, then more and more upset as he booms over her cries telling her what's what. As if she's going to calm down and suddenly cooperate in amongst all that heightened emotion and shouting anyway 🤦🏼‍♀️ it's futile, and unpleasant to witness too because it's such a volatile, stressful situation. I'm all for clear boundaries and am not soft, I'm not suggesting we let her rule the roost and run rings around us but I do think there has to be mutual respect and some cooperation from both sides, or else how will she learn those skills herself?! And how can we expect her to listen if we don't listen to her. There are some things that really aren't worth the battle, like insisting she does things in a certain order when it makes no difference, or forgetting to give her the milk that she is used to drinking every single night as part of her routine then refusing it when she asks because it's "too late" - yeah because daddy dropped the ball, it's not her fault!! Am I talking sense here or being unfair on Dictator Dad?

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Maybe it stems from his own upbringing. Some adults get really triggered when their authority is being questioned, and it’s often because of how they were treated as a child. Have you tried a conversation about this when he’s calm and in a good mood?

It sounds like you want to parent using gentle parenting (which I love- mutual respect is the best way to go about it!) and your husband is an authoritative parenting type. Authoritarian parenting is not healthy in my opinion. Kids need to feel safe and respected as they grow because that’s what they need as adults is to learn how to handle compromise and know that her family is where she is safest and most secure. My mom did authoritative parenting and all it did was lead me to keep secrets from my mom and to fear my mom. She was not a safe place for me. And now that she’s dead I’m glad she’s dead. So yeah i definitely agree with you! He needs to get into therapy before he breaks the relationship with you and his daughter!

@Lyss agree with what you’re saying, but confusingly gentle parenting is otherwise known as authoritative parenting, authoritarian is different. https://www.parentingforbrain.com/authoritative-vs-authoritarian-parenting/

@Lauren thank you lol I knew I was looking for a different word lol- my audhd knows what I’m saying but sometimes struggles with the words 😅😂

How old is your daughter? From reading I was thinking she was teenager until I got to the milk and routine part.

How old is she? I'm guessing under 5 based on your post? In your husbands defence, you simply CANNOT reason with a very young child (3 and under), if you give them a choice you often end up with tantrums, clear instructions work best on young kids! However, this doesn't mean he has to shout to make his point though!

It probably does stem from his own upbringing but you can’t blame him really; kids don’t come with instruction books. Do you think he might be open to going to a parenting class with you? Or maybe reading a book? https://amzn.eu/d/cKuLb56

I could have written this post this week x

I don’t have experience here but I have read about how to phrase things, like “first we are going to drink milk, then we will brush our teeth and go to bed.” and “I’m going to read you a bedtime story. Do you want to read x or y?” I don’t necessarily agree with everything but parentingstyleblog on instagram has really good examples

I'd record it and have him watch it. If he doesn't see an issue, post the audio online and have him read the responses.

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