How much help would you expect?
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@Emma they pay their share of food and electric/council tax bills but not rent. They are still pretty spry, about 65 years, young enough to help with anything that needs doing. Thanks
I wouldn’t expect them to look after your child. If they weren’t there you’d still have to find time to do all the things you mentioned (showering, cooking, cleaning) so no I don’t think that should be expected. When it comes to the general household, I would expect them to clean up after themselves, but not the whole family, just as you are not expecting yourself to clean up after them. Have you mentioned this or even had a conversation about it? They might feel like they’re stepping on your toes by trying to help out, especially if they don’t know.
@N 💞 thanks, perhaps I just need a reality check. I think it just feels strange that they watch me struggle and don’t offer to help as I could never do that myself. For me if I see someone struggle I immediately offer to help.
Thats why you should speak with them, they may not realise you’re struggling..
At the very least I would expect them to do half the household tasks and cooking, coz otherwise your basically now looking after 2 adults as well as your child and keeping the house if your Husbands not about much. If they are going to live with u indefinitely then you need to have some clear boundaries and expectations between u all. When it comes to childcare maybe they are trying to be thoughtful about not taking over but u would think a grandparent would want to be involved a bit if u are all living together. Think about what it would like for you if they did help out with childcare, what would u want help with, what parenting style would u want u all to stick too. Then if u think they could stick to those things then include that in the discussion also. If not just talk about household and hopefully them pulling their weight more will help u overall and feel less like ur struggling
I'm stuck on the fact that you said their finances weren't where they need to be to live on their own, but they don't have full-time jobs to try to make it happen. Sounds like they never really intended to be independent and will continue to "indefinitely" mooch off of you. I think all four of you need to sit down and talk about realistic expectations for the future and their contributions to the household in the meantime.
Write a chart for them to follow. They are to help or leave. Pay it leave. They need to act part of the family if they want to be in your family home. Ask your husband to voice your issues as "WE think.. WE have thought... WE want help if you're going to continue to live here."
Agree with all the others if they're living with you rent free they should be helping out but it's a Frank conversation the 4 of you need to have
I would totally expect them to take half of the house chores and cooking and watch your LO when needed occasionally. I wouldn't consider it's my responsibility to feed and clean for 2 grown ups while I have a toddler to care for.
Don't assume help with childcare, but they should be helping with housework. They should have assigned days so you all know what to expect. Your husband should keep up with any nagging. The better conversation to have is what do they *want* to be doing all day? Sitting and playing on phones all day will put them in an early grave. 😬 Could they join a walking club or gym, or be involved at your local library or senior center? How can you help them live fulfilling lives now that circumstances have forced them out of their chosen home? When they are happier, they will naturally be more helpful, you MIL will at least.
Help with the common areas of the household chores. My family (when they stay with me) will do their own laundry, their own bathroom, their own room. If they want to live in filth then I will leave them in filth. Common areas (kitchen, living areas etc) are a shared task. Your child is not theirs. That responsibility falls on you as a parent. If they offer to help then that's great and maybe it can be a "watch my kid for x hours and that will cover your rent". Make food for only yourselves if they aren't going to help with cooking. They will quickly get the picture that this isn't a free stay and tasks are still expected. They would have to clean their own homes if they were living alone anyway.
Depends where they immigrated from… in some cultures it is ok for them not to help you. You find yourself doing things for them in addition to what you have to do for yourself. Personally I would express my need for help. I will discuss with my partner as to how to approach the situation. I will ask my mother in law to watch over my child (especially if I trust her) while I do whatever I need to do. If we have decided to live as a community then I should not feel alone!!
I would probably say things along the lines of, “I’m feeling really tired, would you mind watching baby whilst I have a bath please?” “Whilst I’m out, would you mind putting the washing on so I can hang it out when I’m home?” “I’m working today, would you mind cooking, and then I’ll cook for us all tomorrow?”. Maybe setting some bits up might help them to notice what help would be welcomed? It’s surprising how oblivious some people are - and depending on personality, some people will happily get away with helping if they can!? It’s not fair for you to be holding the load, when there are another 2 adults that you’ve opened your home up to - for free. I don’t think it’s about expecting help, I think it’s about creating an environment where the adults chip in so one person doesn’t drown x
Are they contributing to the household financially? Are they really old? I think they should be helping out at least with housework & cooking, your not running a hotel.