Extended Family

Am I being unreasonable…long story cut short my husbands family make no effort with our children. We have two toddlers a year apart and live within close proximity to his extended family im talking less than 3 miles from various family members. The only time they see our children is that their birthdays or events ( which they expect us to be at everytime) or the occasions my partner takes them round but it’s never about the children it’s more he has to do one of them a favour and one of the kids has popped along with him. Recently our youngest turned 1 and only a couple of them sent him a text to say happy birthday and it really took everything in me to push my irritation about this down. They are a close knit family (apparently although it seems their close when my husband is doing them a favour or hanging out with them) now I don’t mind the dynamics between him and his family that’s his choice…but something really irks me about this for my children. My family live a 2 hour drive away and see them most weekends I will drive them to see grandparents and aunties/uncles from my side who are heavily involved every other weekend and the weekends in between my siblings, friends or parents tend to come to us to see the kids. We have a few of his family members birthdays coming up and its got to the point where I’ve said to my husband I’m no longer interested in going to his family events with my kids as it feels so fake when their all smiles and laughs when we’re there but they really make no effort at all. I guess I’m tired of it both pregnancies they have not asked after me to see how I’m doing and the same has continued now the kids are here. Also it’s not as if they are excluded my family just make an effort to actually build a relationship with the children their birthdays christmases nursery events and any and everything inbetween. In the past year for example his family have seen our youngest once or twice and the basis of this was for a favour or to help them out with something. My friends have seen and asked after them more than this!! I don’t mean to point score but as a mother it’s just hard when people expect you to show up for them but I notice their disregard for my children and it’s annoying. Side note my husband just acts like this is normal which is even more frustrating. He has said oh it’s hard for them because everyone works (so does all my family in demanding jobs?) and he’ll often boast about how much family means to all of them and I’m just sitting there baffled because to me children are the heart and soul of a family and if your own family who live close by can’t make an effort and make every excuse not to what chance is there ever for this. We are also from different cultures I don’t know if this makes any difference I’m of West African descent and grandchildren are the world in my culture. Obviously family’s are complex and there’s only so much I can explain this already a long post…I don’t know if I’m being sensitive please let me know of your experiences x

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Don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all, this would annoy me too. Agree, all families are complex and I would just accept that this is who they are and move on. Your kids are fortune to have family on your side who do seem more invested, take comfort in that. Your husband might be downplaying the situation in order to protect his own feelings too. Xx

My in-laws are the same way. My father-in-law lives less than a mile away, and my mother-in-law works just up the street from our house, and we still only see them on special occasions or when one of them needs something. It's normal to want those relationships for your kids, and it's really hard when it feels like you're the only one who's trying. Unfortunately, there will always be family members who just don't have much of a relationship with your kids. I just try to enjoy the time we have with the family we DO see, and try not to worry too much about anyone else. If they don't care enough to make an effort then it's their loss.

This is wild!! It does sounds like different family cultures though. (If it makes you feel better, my husbands parents haven’t seen the new baby yet and my parents have come to visit 4 times in 5 months) They love getting pics but won’t see her til Thanksgiving when she’s 6 months. Both grandparents are in other states but it’s still weird. I just let it go and I’m glad my family will be the favorite. If your husband thinks it’s normal then it’s probably just their family dynamic. You have every right to be annoyed and to not want to make a big effort for them if they barely make an effort for your family. It’s ok to have it hurt your feelings but I also wouldn’t take it too personally. That’s how they are, not a reflection of you or your kids

@Taylor thank you for this it’s true I really do appreciate the family we see and just have to be content with that. Definitely their loss

@Anna yes it is wild! I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from

Same! My in-laws live 20 minutes away and are in my area on a regular basis and have not seen my 2 year old since last July 2023 and have never met my 9 month old. She could drive over in the middle of the night to drop off an XBox controller when my BIL was staying with us but can’t be bothered to visit my kids. There’s been one family gathering since all this and we left the kids with my mom because I’m not bringing my kids around them until they choose to come around my kids. It’s not my responsibility to make sure they have a relationship with my kids.

I'm in the same boat. I have just stopped worrying about it, their lost.

You are not being sensitive, these are very valid feelings. But you are putting your expectations and own family values on others and that is just hurting yourself. Extended family have no obligation towards you or your children unless they want to build that relationship, if they are not making an effort they are not interested and that’s that, nothing personal I would say, just how they are. Sometimes chosen family and close friends are more genuine than extended family, just put your energy on people who would like to work on that bond with your children.

Same boat! I no longer make an effort for people that do not make an effort for mine. I no longer get upset, I just live and let be. I get to experience a lot of things with my side of the family & that brings me a ton of joy. Don’t get me wrong, I also have family members that are uninterested & I treat them the same way.

I think you might be right when it comes to culture differences I find that a lot of Asian African Chinese although those kind of cultures we are very different dynamic when it comes to family family is one of those things where you will do things repetitively happily even though you live miles and miles and miles and miles away, it’s in Green in us where is some family members I have that are not from these cultures They are close but they also behave very differently but it’s normal for them. I understand your frustration but I’m pretty sure it’s just a very different culture and we find it weird. It’s taken me a long time to get my head around it for myself, but I guess the main thing is I remind myself aside from F-A-M-I-L-Y✊🏾 either from Min or his side. The most important thing is that the two of us are in this family and that he is with me every step of the way I just told myself that’s enough and then everything else is a bonus from wherever.

I think every family functions differently. I do also see a trend where usually the moms family is a bit more involved. My own family growing up was very much like that, I am still much much closer to my mom's side of the family than my dad's, it's never bothered me in the slightest but I know it's always irked my mom. Personally I would just not put in extra effort for people who don't seem to want to put in any effort towards you and your kids. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Of course your friends and family make more of an effort to see your kids, they are actually there to see YOU and your kids are part of the package right now. Your husband's family can see him without the kids other than when they have to tag along. If you want to even things out, make them tag along more. Let your husband teach them home repair and light carpentry. Your husband's family is making a normal level of effort, which may increase when your kids are in their teens when they are closer to interesting independent adults than adorable whirlwinds of destruction. Consider the alternative (them being over all the time, always in your business, always offering their unsolicited opinions, getting them stuff you don't approve of) and count your blessings. Trust me, you'd be dying to get them out of your house.

@Bonny sorry I really disagree from an apparent close knit family where he is the first born son who goes over and above for them when they need anything you’d think his children would mean more to them than they currently show, they are 3 and 1 so no helping out with home improvements for a long time and my kids are people not just play things where people can walk in and out when they want for a photo opportunity at a party or when their teenagers and arguably easier to hang around with. My friends and family are there to see me but also ask after him, go out with him and look after him too! We’re married we’re not separate entities existing, something my people seem to understand. Love is meant to be unconditional it’s not about ease and children are a blessing, your comment makes it seem like they should only be seen when it’s convenient. The only thing I agree with here is that at least I don’t have unwanted options in my household which I agree the bonus here.

Your hubby background is?? Africans and Asians have community as a strength but in most other cultures this does not exist much hence your struggles. But if they are clearly ignoring you and your kids then protect their peace and keep them at arms length too. Let him go enjoy them but alone until he realises that he should be protecting the peace of his own nuclear family first and foremost. I do tell my partner people I don't wanna be around from his side and why and he'd never force me. I also ask him to kindly not take our kid to said people when for example I am not with him and bub. Hope your partner can listen to you.

@Jennifer good way of handling the situation. I'd do the same. You're nice tho because I wouldn't go to them either lol

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