Babies decide how they sleep…

It’s not up to us! And there’s no right or wrong! Before I had children, I hadn’t really thought through how sleep would go. Because I’m interested in psychological research, I knew a bit about sleep training and had made a casual decision never to do it, and my understanding was that it was all CIO. But I also strangely thought that I’d just put this hypothetical baby down in a cot and he would “sleep like a baby” because that’s what I thought all babies did! Then I had my first baby, an intensely feeling, passionate, bright but sensitive preemie boy. When I tried to put him down, whether it was drowsy but awake, deep floppy asleep, and every shade in between, he’d either wake up screaming as if in agony every time, or would wake up 20 mins later physically trembling from what seemed like terror. Something felt just so wrong about cots. At 4 months of resisting bedsharing out of fear and shame from disapproving people, my husband and I actually crunched the numbers on a risk-benefit analysis, and we finally realised the truth that the benefits far outweighed the risks (that were so overstated). That was when I became a staunch bedsharing advocate! Still reeling from the TikTok-induced anxiety and shaming, I jumped to an emotional decision that all babies should probably bedshare, and to not bedshare is probably cruel. Then I had my second baby. My doula said he’s one of the most chill babies she’d ever seen (I was on continuous fetal monitoring for VBAC). Whereas my first was rushed into c-section due to stress. But it was only when I reluctantly plonked my second boy down drowsy but awake when the grocery shop arrived early, expecting to grit my teeth through 5 mins of crying, and he randomly fell asleep, stayed that way for 2 hours and woke up smiling, and then I kept trying it with reasonsble success… was was when I realised all babies are BORN different. They decide where they ought to sleep, where they need to sleep. I came across an awesome philosophy by Magda Gerber in how to treat babies: “Observe More, Do Less”. We should never assume what our babies need or can do. We should listen and respond to their needs today. We should love them unconditionally based on what they need. And we should definitely never assume what our fellow mum’s babies need either. Bedsharing, cot sleeping, and maybe even gentle sleep training…. we have to trust that the mum/ primary caregiver knows what is best for her family because she listens to her baby almost 24/7 and we are not there. And instead of saying “I’ll never understand how you could bedshare/ sleep train”, we should instead seek to listen to our fellow mums, and support them in giving their families what they truly need. Even with our fellow mums we should Listen More, Advise Less. And only give advice when solicited. I think we’d all be so much happier. Because it is connection, emotional support and comaderie we all so desperately need, more than we need another guilt-fuelled lecture or how-to.

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I tried to co sleep with my new born just cuz I was so exhausted, basically and I give up type thing and he was NOT having it. I tried a few times actually. People always say if your baby is a bad sleeper "just co sleep" but clearly doesn't work for everyone 🥲

My son both sleeps in his playpen and bed shares. I start him out on his own in his bed and try and keep him in there for as long as possible. If he cries constantly after he wakes for food when i put him down i bring him into bed.

This is so beautifully written with no judgement. Thank you 🙏🏻

My first rarely slept with us. I would say twice if that. No one slept when he was in our bed. He preferred his own space and slept through soundly from 10 weeks. This time my little boy will sleep in his next to me from bedtime until about 3am. Then he likes to come into our bed and will settle there until it's time to get up. He only contact naps on me or in the carrier. Totally different but they have shown me what they need. Yes, it's difficult to do things with a contact napper but he just needs me close. Each to their own but I just can't do CIO. It just doesn't sit right with me personally. Whatever people do, it has to be right for them and their family.

@Favi yes exactly. Every baby is so different and unless we’re experts we only know our own babies and experience. How are you doing now?

@Monique sounds great :) I did something similar around 12 months onwards with my 1st baby.

@Dreia thank you to you too for the comment 🙏🏻

@Terri sounds great and like you’ve got your vibe :) I couldn’t CIO either. But I do acknowledge some privilege that allows me the luxury. Intellectually speaking though (rather than my emotions), it might make sense that CIO is better than abject poverty or a mother with a very severe mh crisis. And I’d say 20 mins of niggle-crying/ angry babbling is probably much different to 8 hours of screaming and vomiting. I think there’s room for lots and lots of nuance and curiosity around it.

@Kirsty I have a 3 week old too now but my first is usually okay with night sleep but her nap has been a struggle recently. I did contact a few sleep experts with my first and did stuff like Huckleberry, at the end of the day I learned exactly what you said

I 100% agree with this. My son has woken up about every 30 min- to an hour since 5 or so months. He started to have to stay latched on the breast for most of the night to sleep. I was so scared that I would somehow effect “secure attachment” if I did anything that allowed him to cry even for a second so I continued this. I was/am so sleep deprived that I’m unable to have enough energy to take him out or just be mentally present with him the way I want. My mental health has declined tremendously as well. It’s recently started really resonating with me that I’m projecting my anxieties on him and not allowing him to practice another way of sleep that would be beneficial for both of us especially in the long run. I’m currently slowly starting to introduced holding him when he wakes instead of going straight for the breast. I did this last night and after doing this twice last night he actually started to sleep longer and woke less frequent. I’m only on day 2 so hoping this goes well

I say this say that I allowed social media and opinions to scare me into not doing anything other then just waiting for him to grow out of this habit and doing anything else would ruin him. I think continuing what we’ve been doing would affect him more due to me being so sleep deprived that I’m not able to be a healthy present mother. Everyone’s situation is different and I’ve learned the hard way that what may work for one child may not work for another.

My son will sleep in his next to me for the first couple of hours and when he cries, I rock him and bring him to bed with me. We’ve been sleeping like that for about 6 weeks. It’s much better than when he’d only sleep on my chest and wouldn’t last a minute in his next to me. I’m making progress, he’s making progress and I’m super proud of us both

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