Am I overreacting? Its a long one!

I just want to start this saying that Im from another country and I have no family in the US, my husband is a blue collar worker and usually gets home at 6pm. My mother in law moved to the street behind us as soon as we found out that we were having a baby. She begged us for a grandkid since we started dating at 18. Once we gave her the news it was the best time of her life, she cried and was truly happy. I was so so happy because I was so afraid of not having a support system and I just had a huge relief whenever she moved closer to us. She asked to throw my baby shower and I was a little hesitant since she doesn’t have a good financial situation and she is a very last minute person. Im an event planner and I dreamed about my baby shower, I gave up on any expectations that I had because she was just SO excited to do this party. I did our gender reveal and she knew what kind or party I expected, I also offered to cover all the costs. My baby shower was scheduled to start at 2pm, at 1:30pm nothing was ready and she was getting her nails done. She pulled a last minute dollar tree party and the entire time I was just trying to hide my disappointment and trying to tell myself that it was ok. We never talked about it however my husband knows how much that meant to me and he felt guilty, which it was one of the reasons I decided to act like it was not a big deal. The entire time I just couldn’t stop thinking how much my family would have done. That’s when my disappointment started 😞 Our baby was born and she disappeared. She would come over to take pictures, text asking for pictures, post grandma quotes on facebook. Never offered help, never asked if we needed anything. I asked for help every single time that she came over and she was glad to help but the help NEVER came from her. I went through the trenches of postpartum depression to the point that my husband would get home and find me crying because I hadn’t eat all day, my baby was colicky and my boobs were about to explode because I needed to pump. My mother in law works 3 days a week and sits in her garage smoking weed and cigarettes all day. My husband flew my mom over to help and slowly I actually started enjoying my baby. He always felt so guilty for the situation and he asked his mom plenty of times to come help, she said she would but she just never did. My mom didn’t know what was going on because she already felt so guilty not being able to be with me and I didn’t want put that pain on her. She left after 6 months and I was stronger and had less expectations about my mother in law. Now 16 months later I have 0 expectations from her but I also have so much anger from what I went through while she was acting like grandma of the year. Her presence puts me on edge and NOW she wants to be part of our lives and I just can’t. I invited her to a international trip hoping it would easy my feelings and it was such a disappointment (pretty much not help at all while we covered ALL her costs) and now I couldn’t care less if she disappeared from earth. She calls my husband crying saying we are excluding her from our family and we walk on eggs with what to say because she is in severe depression. I feel sad for her life but I don’t have in me to enjoy her presence anymore. My husband is a bad position because of course he loves his mom and wants us to have a good relationship. She is now throwing herself in every family activity that I plan, she offered to live in out house to “help me” (she can’t afford her rent and has thousands in debt), she wants to take my son to play dates (she has no clue of his routine) and just shows up in my house without any warnings. Im always polite and I never openly talked to her about all of the disappointment that I feel so I feel like maybe Im the problem? The few times that I put my foot down she cried for days and my husband wanted me to apologize afraid that she would try something against her life. I don’t feel like Im ready to allow her back into our lives, Im afraid of allowing myself to rely on her and getting disappointed again. I always wanted her to be like a second mom for me so this past year was a punch in the face for me and I blame her on how I barely enjoyed my son the first months while she COULD have done something to easy my motherhood. Im not the kind of person to hold a grudge and this feeling is killing me. I can’t talk about this with my mom and I can’t talk about this with my husband. I also have no friends here that I can talk about this without putting my mother in law in a bad position. Sorry about such a long post, this is just 10% of the problem and I just needed to vent. I actually feel so much better for letting all of this out😞

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Oh lovely, I'm so sorry. So much of this mirrors my own experience with my mother in law. She promised she'd be there for us but never showed up and continued to let us down week after week, whilst she sees her other 2 grandsons basically every day. You'd think we live a million miles away but we're only 10 minutes down the road - but guess who she says is the villain? Guess who she blames for my having a clue who she is? Guess who's fault it is that she's not involved? I'm sorry you're going through this, but she has shown you too many times that she can't be counted on and has left you feeling broken in the thick of ppd. I know that feeling so well 😭💔 Cut your loses and keep your distance. Your baby and your husband are your priority - not placating her x

Not overreacting at all. The promises people make before a baby and the reality can be so different. So many people want to show the world how great they are but hiding what a shitty person they are. So sorry about the baby shower also! I’d just always keep how she treated you/ lack of in the back of your mind and now you are in a better place and stronger not rely on her. Ensure if she is to have your son or offers help, have a back up plan to cover yourself. It’s always a shame when mothers are left to struggle and those around them able to help, don’t!

@Gill Im so sorry you are going through the same girl 😔 We are getting to the same situation now that my son is older. He doesn’t really care whenever she comes over and is just much more excited to see my mom through video call. And slowly she is putting the blame on me for our relationship being so far. Im the kind of person that will avoid confrontation at all costs and maybe if it was another time I would let it go but the postpartum depression was something that I never thought I would go through and it nearly turned me into a ghost with all the meds that I had to take. I just really needed the view from someone else so I don’t feel like the worst person in the world pushing her away from our lives. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and he knows how much his mom failed him and our family and that Im not ready to move forward with her.

@Sophie Thank you girl 💓 I allow her to come over whenever she asks to see my son and send pictures/milestones updates. Whenever she is here I usually go to another room to avoid talking to her because it makes me so uneasy and snappy. Even keeping this distance is being a struggle girl 😪 She will ask to feed him and say EWWWW to what Im feeding him (she hates veggies/fruits) and just leave everything dirty on his high chair. Not one singe thought about making my life a little easier. She asked to take him to a doctor appointment and arrived LATE, I just didn’t lose the appointment because our pediatrician is super friendly. I took her to visit my family in my home country and she was bitchy the entire time because I come from a poor family and they don’t have the same lifestyle that we have. Now she wants to go out trick or treating with us and whenever I said that it was a family moment for us she cried saying that its her grandson and she is missing out 🫠

Oh honey, no. You are not the problem here, but you DO need to talk to your husband about this. That's his mother putting his WIFE and BABY on edge and SHE is being inconsiderate to ALLLLL of you. You three need to have a conversation about her behavior and how it is affecting you, because secondary postpartum depression is a REAL THING and it will kick you straight in the kitty.

@Andrea Thank you for that! I do feel the need of having this conversation with her. Unfortunately Im still very emotional and I can’t talk about this without having a meltdown. I never fully adapted to the USA and I think it plays a huge part in all of this. My husband is very understanding and doesn’t push me to get closer to her. She failed alot raising him and he talks about with me all the time like he doesn’t have any attachment to her. He wants my mom to move over here with us and is overwhelmed with the love my family gives to him. I find it hard to talk about it with him because I feel like I touch such a hard spot for him. He doesn’t know half of what goes on since she only comes over whenever its just me and baby and I keep all of this to myself. I come from a family that always gave me so much love and support and this situation is so new and got me in such a vulnerable time of my life. Im just glad to know that its not all in my head.

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