Elderly mum with onset of dementia

Hi Bex, i’m so sorry you feel stuck in this situation, it must be super tricky with a newborn and your mum developing dementia. I just wanted to say that people with dementia are really good at masking (pretending they are way better than they are). I want to think she isn’t trying to hurt your baby and this is probably really hard for her too. Their brains don’t work in a normal way and that is frustrating and scary for them too, probably even more than for us. I really hope the council or a charity can give you a hand bc it sounds like too much to handle! In the meantime if you ever have a chance i really recommend this instagram https://www.instagram.com/creativeconnectionsdementia?igsh=YTF2cHR6dGRxeTBv

They are super good at showing how to deal with common dementia behaviours and explaining what is going on in their minds. Good luck x

@Marina thank you for your reply. I fully agree that I don’t think she is doing these things to harm my baby on purpose. Far from it. My mum absolutely loves the baby. But she can’t see the things she does COULD be super dangerous!!! Thanks for the link. I’ll take a look x

@Bex yeah, I bet she doesn’t realise and sometimes i think it’s just denial. Does she become defensive too? It seems like it’s common for them to get defensive and argumentative when someone tells them what they’re doing is wrong or dangerous. Not saying that’s her case. In her head she maybe just had the urge to “feed baby”, nothing else taken into account. :( xx

Oh, I've not been here exactly but my mum had dementia that's she masked for so long! I'm in South Australia, there is a text called an acat test they do at the GP, there is also a form on the website for general public and they can complete an anonymous report of concern for someone. I had to ask friends who kept messaging me about her to complete the form so there was a trail of responses and concerns. In the end she was given xx hours of respite aged care in a facility and they very quickly realised within a week she was not able to go home to live independently. Please see our help and assistance for both her and yourself. It's a very hard journey watching a mum go through this and I still believe it's hard for them too.

@Marina oh definitely defensive. Sometimes even angry!

I have been the sole caregiver to my mother with dementia for the last 12 years. I can guarantee you if she did that then she’s farther gone than you think. Just like my mom, you can have a conversation with her and not think anything. But she’s basically a vegetable. Can’t wash, dress, change, use the bathroom, cook, or remember anything by herself. Even in beginning stages where my mom could do all of those things still she accidentally left my gas range on while trying to light a cigarette in my house! They know something is off, but can’t pinpoint it and it drives them mad and they get defensive. Yelling isn’t going to work. I’m not here to judge but I don’t think just leaving your mom alone on her own is good. I understand you have your baby to worry about. Some people just aren’t cut out or just don’t want to deal with being a caregiver, and that’s totally and completely okay. But please get her help before you go. Doctors visit, hiring an aide through insurance, something.

Hey, sorry you feel such a way. As a carer I fully understand why you feel stuck and how frustrating, tiring and draining it is for family to deal with their loved one with dementia. On the other hand please note she isn’t doing this to be annoying, or to wind you up. She in all honesty believes she’s doing good. You may have told her untold times but if she has dementia she will forget the most simplistic things. Just because she ‘isn’t fully gone’ doesn’t mean she doesn’t forget things. I had one man who you’d never ever have known had dementia but you’d notice little things like how he would boil the kettle with a tea bag and and make cups of tea that way - to us that’s bizarre but to him that’s how it was done and he couldn’t understand why you would do it a different way. People with dementia often get very attached to babies and it’s actually a huge help for them, perhaps you could get her a doll and props so your mum can care for that baby rather than the real one

Then she’ll hopefully stop feeding your baby food and feed the doll baby instead. It’ll give her a form of responsibility as well. Have a look into carers for her - even council funded ones so you can have a small break , even if they just come twice a week to help tidy the house & put your shopping away , make your mum a meal, maybe even take her for a short walk for you. It’ll hugely take the strain off of you and it’ll definitely help you as a whole, care for family or professionally is hard and it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. I’m happy to Message you privately and give you advice etc so I don’t flood the comments on here, and just to give you some support🩷

Here is a little about doll therapy, I do think it could help especially in your situation! https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/living-with-dementia/doll-therapy/

@Alyson oh she has carers. I’m not her carer and I don’t do much for her tbh. But I’m just here keeping her company and I cook meals.

@Lauren thanks Lauren. She already has carers. I just find it so hard to live with her. I find everything irritating. I’m wondering if it’s my own hormones after birth maybe but I can’t stand it. I try to not snap and I know she means well but that doesn’t stop her peeing / pooing all over the bathroom, trying to feed my baby solids, lighting a cigarette up next to her indoors. It’s just hard. Her carers aren’t great and they will only do things if she asks but she can’t remember what needs done so they end up leaving a huge gap in her care. I’ve asked them countless times to check the loo and clean up after her but they don’t. You have to ask them. It’s just hard!