Being alone..

I never did ever get used to being alone. I mean when I was young, I grew up in a in a house where there was always cousins and aunts and uncles mom dad grandparents. Then later on when my parents moved out of there, it was still a family of six of us siblings and And I can honestly say that anytime I have been the most depressed was when I had to spend time alone. I know it’s something everybody should be OK with.. but it is so hard for me as an adult I got married and then I had girlfriends move in with their kids and I was just never alone for too long. I always found a way to have people around me, even if they weren’t the best for me. I am at a point in my life where I am with someone and we’ve been together for like seven years or something like that and we have a four-year-old child but now she’s started preschool and he works long hours. I’m pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy so I have to be home most of the day by myself. And I am struggling so freaking bad with this. I almost feel like my day just stops until somebody gets home so I’m home from at least 930 until like 330 when I have to pick up my daughter alone .. and I feel like I can’t do anything. It takes so much energy for me to get up and wash dishes or do laundry or anything that has to get done around the house. It takes almost everything inside of me to do it. But some reason it gets better and I can actually get myself to do some things when someone is home. But I’ve been like laying around most of the day and then for the couple hours between when she gets home and my fiancé gets home, I try to squeeze in everything I can which is not very sustainable because I can never finish everything that I need to in that time. And it’s ridiculous because why do I feel like everything stops everything pauses just because I’m alone like like life goes on but for some reason, it’s like I’m just put on pause when no one is here. I know I’m depressed. I had to stop all my medication‘s abruptly. When I found out I was pregnant. It’s been few months now. I thought maybe I would. I don’t know magically feel better but it’s just getting worse and worse. I know that I have everything in my life that I pretty much want or need . I’ve always wanted a family and I’m about to be a mother of two with a husband fiancé who takes care of everything financially like the fact that I don’t have to work is a blessing.. I know that I am 100% this feeling. I don’t even know how to describe it and it’s lingering and I just don’t feel good. I just don’t feel good but that means means so many things. I don’t know. It’s just my rant I guess.