Am I crazy, self sabotaging, or valid?

I love my husband. I really do. He’s my person. He’s my comfort and my best friend. But when there are issues we talk and he listens and then changes nothing or changes for a day and then right back to hurtful behavior. He prioritizes work over me and our two girls. I don’t know if he just hates being home or loves his job more than us. He’s not thoughtful or considerate I have to tell him if I need or want something and he doesn’t listen most of the time. And if he does listen he doesn’t do it or get it without asking me again what I need or want. He doesn’t spend time with our daughters. He’s not playful with them except maybe when it’s convenient for him. I get so tired of begging for him to love me enough to consider me. I feel like I go out of my way to make his days easier I’m a stay at home mom I cook him a hot meal for when he gets home, I do the dishes after dinner, I keep the house clean even though he is a walking tornado. And he can’t even think to take the trash out without me asking, he can’t think to put the car seats in the car so I don’t have to worry about it when I take the girls to the doctor the next day, he can’t think to stay home on a day we don’t need overtime while I have a severe tooth abscess in serious pain and being home with not 1 but 2 rambunctious toddlers who don’t listen to me. Why do I love and consider a man that can’t do the same. All he does is work, home, shower, eat, sleep, and crap. We’re not so financially unstable that he has to work every hour of overtime. Yet he does. Like I said I love this man but I don’t know how much more I can handle. To be loved is to be considered. My parents divorced when I was 11, I swore I’d never put my daughters through that. Do I stay in a stagnant marriage? Or do I leave and try to make the best of a bad situation?

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Hello, thanks for sharing. This sounds very familiar. I think the guy is not worth it. I think you are too good of a lady and should not stand by waiting for him to change his bad behaviors for much longer. You should talk honestly with him and tell him that you feel that he does not prioritize you and that you have asked him to change and he does not do it. I think he does not love you the way he should. So he treats you as a standby option wife. I would end it and date someone who is actually serious.

Your last sentence, Have you expressed this to him? The fact that you’re considering separation and why? If not, please do as that may result in a change in behaviour.

What helped me put thing in perspective- especially since you have 2 girls- I have 1 girl- is I wanted to set an example for my girl. I did not want her growing up thinking the shitty relationship I was in would be good enough for her. If she was being treated the way I was being treated I would not want her to stay in the relationship. So I left so that I could show my daughter the what she should find in a happy relationship by being a good role model for her. Also I am way happier and less stressed not being in a shitty relationship. My kids deserved to have a happy mom. Not one who was miserable in a shitty relationship.

I would have another serious conversation with him and suggest therapy for couples, if nothing changes then I would leave, but at least you know you tried everything before.

I’ve given ultimatums I’ve left in the past before we had kids and he promised to change showed signs of improving and then a week after I went back to him started doing a lot of it again. And I am no where near a perfect person I’m sure there are needs he would say I’m not meeting as well. And in this society we normalize looking for someone better. But honestly no one is perfect. To me the one thing I never want to do is split our family. I still struggle from things I went through during my parents divorce. How am I any better if I do the same thing to my girls. And it would be a nasty divorce his parents are petty and vindictive and he can be the same. I’ve thought of all of this I honestly can’t figure out which would be worse.

I mean unfortunately men like this won’t ever get better because he probably is banking on your trauma keeping you in the marriage. I understand your trauma was hard but you can put the kids through therapy. You can be the kids rock. It doesn’t have to be like your parents divorce. Just don’t let your past/trauma keeping you from finding your peace.

I’m not for divorce unless there is abuse or cheating I think marriage is hard in general and you should fight for your family. Not many men will do things without being told lol unfortunately If they do they’ve been trained very well It takes time They have a one track mind You also don’t know what’s bothering him Or if he has his own struggles his not sharing I was in this space last year And we went to therapy and I found out a lot about my husband and his love language and how I can show up for him and how he can show up for me We teach people how to love us Communicate what you want And ask him what does he expect from you Because sometimes we’re doing things for a person and it’s not even what they want from us 🤷🏽‍♀️

I would maybe try to get back to things that made you happy and the both of you happy before the kids. Find yourself and look into a couple counselors. Alot of times things really change after kids come into the picture. Does staying at home bore you? Would you be open to working? Would you consider part time work? Just start asking yourself what do you need to get back to you and have a open conversation with your hubs. Best of luck to you both.

Is marital counseling/therapy on the table?

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