Tell me am in the wrong? Honest opinions

I’m writing here because I feel alone and I know the internet is not the best place to get opinions but feel lost… Help it make sense… among so many other thing I’ve argued with my partner and he basically says he feels like a slave because all he does is work (40hrs) and clean the dishes every night. Says I don’t do anything for him and he gets nothing from this relationship. I feel so broken. I’ve sacrificed my body my mental health, my friendships, my career. I cook, I mind a baby all day and night (EBF and co sleep)… I’m not resentful of any of this but feel so unseen and like he will never understand. He’s also annoyed that I bought a present for a kids 1st birthday and that he feels like I don’t make effort for him and show ‘my good side for everyone else’…. Yesterday’s argument was over me asking if he could put up shelves for me, and if not I was happy to do them. (I’m trying to start working from home again).. he assumed I was being passive aggressive and there’s more to it but I went out of my way to be direct. I get the feeling he’s just not wanting to do anything for me and is being defiant (his tendency). What hurts me deeply Is that he feels like I want him to do everything for me, by asking this kind of thing. But everything I do is for our family. He’s making me feel selfish, I’m feeling unworthy, heartbroken and like I’m a horrible person. I’ve had a cold for 8 days and so had our baby and I’ve not been sleeping because I do all the feeds and cosleeping and he doesn’t see what I’m doing, I don’t want a medal, I would just love some kindness directed at me. Like make me a dinner because I’m sick? It’s me who does all this. Yes he is present with our daughter but doesn’t share any of the mental load (doesn’t know where things are kept and asks me). Am I wrong for wanting things to feel different? Because he is working and I am at home with the baby? I’m tired and exhausted and our arguments feel so so huge for me emotionally 💔 I’m feeling such hatred towards him Now like how can I be with someone who sees me crying and his response is ‘you’re just feeling sorry for yourself’… it’s my tendency to really take this in and doubt myself then. I’m not perfect I can be snappy, I tsleep responsibility for this and I am accountable and am trying to find other ways to express when I am feeling overwhelmed. I usually make up by asking for a hug and he doesn’t want a high which is fair. But I tried to make up over the weekend multiple times in the way I know how and he just refuses to hug and tells me it’s all in my way. This makes me feel a lot in my stomach. I wish I could shake this feeling and not have it bother me so much.

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No your definitely not in the wrong, you have every rights to feel that way and for him to not understand how your feeling and what your going through, isn’t right. He should really be supporting you no matter what. You sure have given up a lot more than he has, he still can enjoy his life and do more but no, he needs to prioritise his time and energy with other things. It’s a two way street not just on 1 parent to deal with it all. Sorry you’re feeling this way. You just have to have a proper normal chat with him in a time he is calm and no distractions. Hope this helps. 🙂💕 < sending love too

Hmm unfortunately sometimes when men have children they can’t deal with being second best. I can understand why he is feeling overworked doing 40hrs but would this still not be the case if there was no baby?? Is he working longer hours because you now have a child? I will never understand why people presume mums on Mat Leave means they’re just chilling, having fun when looking after a baby is actually a Full time job with zero breaks. He sounds like a big baby to me and probably going around saying “Poor me”. Have you got any family/friends that can help you and support you? Perhaps if you could get childcare for a few hours and then maybe you two can sit down and have an honest conversation about how to move forward.

@Lorraine thanks for your message, I appreciate it 🙏🏻❤️

@Claudia yes he would have been doing the 40 hours a week anyways, no extra time. I guess now it’s that we don’t have my income and he’s paying all the rent and bills. It’s so obvious to me, I am taking care of OUR baby, I’m not at home doing nothing all day. I’ve never been this busy and exhausted in my life! I know him enough to know his triggers and reactions based on the way he is hardwired so I guess I can always empathise, understand and forgive… the hard part is not feeling like that gets reciprocated. And I can’t make him see either 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m hoping to start working soon. I guess I was really wanting to be at home and present 100% for my girl, and I will find it hard. I’m just sad I’m even in this situation I guess. I have my mum as support, so she’s planning on helping out 4 hours a week so I can try and get back working for my own business.

I remember feeling like this and for one day I wrote out everything I done, it took several pages and I handed it to him. It's almost as if you become invaluable when you're not contributing financially. But missing the fact I'm a nanny, chef, cleaner, nurse and teacher on-call 24/7 and I don't get paid for it. I'm sorry you are feeling like this and your husband is behaving like a brat, try make time for each other it'll make you feel better, paint together, learn a dance, watch a movie, just hold each other.

@Anita that’s a good idea you wrote the list. I don’t think I will do it though, I feel like it will trigger him and I don’t want to argue again. It’s so hard doing it all, I don’t even know what I want from his side of things either, maybe just appreciation in some way and not throw the ‘I pay for everything’. Re as lot appreciate your message. It’s made me feel better just knowing someone else out there has felt similar ❤️

Just a note though, never tip toe around someone else's feelings whilst they dance all over yours because this feeling of being unvalued metaphorically and financially grows into resentment and that's even harder to recover from. I say this with love and first hand experience. When you stop doing all you do they'll weaponise it not appreciate you, but as a woman you can't just stop because instinctively we prioritise the needs of others above ourselves. Men will have us believe we are dependent upon them when in reality their world would crumble if we stopped instructing "the fairies' to carry out daily tasks. I'm the wrong person to even give you advise because I chose to quit than to engage in chaos. I do truly hope you find a way through,not for your relationship, not for your child but for YOU. I see you and your worth♥️

@Anita You hit the nail on the head! 👌🏾 I couldn’t have said it better myself 😊

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