Best friend? Rant

I’m not sure how new of a mom she is but it sounds like she is having a hard time adjusting and may be suffering silently. Give your friend some grace. This is a new season for both of you.

Also, maybe because she was used to the attention on her and now maybe feels it is on u.. Maybe she liked the spotlight for a lil while.. Are u both FTM?

@Dontay yeah we are. Even when we were both pregnant I think we saw each other like 3 times total. 2 of which were our showers. And it’s not like she didn’t know I was trying before she even thought about it. Literally right before she got pregnant she told me she wasn’t ready. So idk. I think her husband is part of this issue too

Kinda sounds like the husband is controlling... Like why would he just sit out in the car ? Like what !? 😂 That would make me mad tbh.

Sounds like she is having a hard time, with life in general, and how she's affecting you is not the forefront of her mind.

Being first time parents was extremely hard on my husband and me both.. I truly didn't think we'd survive the first year without a divorce. I didn't really talk to anyone about it out of shame I guess.. but I also had a really really hard pp period with PPD and PPA... it took my mom finally threatening to call mY doctor for me to admit it and to start getting help. I dont know her personally and I could be completely wrong but it sounds to me like she's struggling. Men can also experience paternal postnatal depression so if this is completely out of the norm for them it might not be a bad idea to check in on them in a non judgmental way. She most likely is not trying to hurt your feelings and may not even realize she is doing so.

@Caroline I do think she’s dealing with some sort of ppd, but her husband and his family are the type of people who will NOT get help for things like that. And unfortunately she doesn’t have contact with her family. I’m just at a loss really. Like some of the things just seem almost intentional? I could be overreacting. But it just keeps happening. Like she knows I’m here for her, I just don’t think her husband would appreciate me sticking my nose in their business. The last time I tried checking in on her I basically got ignored

@Kara right?! It was weird af. And I feel like she can’t take her son anywhere without the husband. It’s weird

That's really unfortunate.. maybe if you guys do get some alone time you can talk to her without husband knowing. If it's not normal for her to intentionally hurt you I doubt she's doing it now.. maybe just take the space you need and let her come to you when she's ready if you think she's not in any kind of danger or isn't a risk to herself or baby. Im sorry you are feeling this way and I hope you both can get to feeling better and work things out in the future. Good friends are hard to come by.

Honestly, reading this, I am wondering if you are being a good friend to *her*. She was not ready to be a mom, her husband is acting creepy & controlling, and she has no family she can turn to for support. She has you. Her life could be a living nightmare right now, and you are worried about your birthday plans. You've known her for approx 2 decades. She's acting weird for a reason. Go find out what it is. Show up at her door, and insist she come out with you alone (with the baby, just not her husband). See if she looks anxious or scared or flat out refuses. Don't passively let her actions annoy you. Take initiative and see if your friendship (or your friend!) is in trouble.

@Bonny it’s not about my birthday. It’s just how she’s been going about things. And yes ive known her a very long time, I know that she keeps things inside no matter what is going on until after the fact. I don’t think she’s in danger, I think it’s more ppd issues but she’s not the type of person to admit that either.

Yea, I was going to ask how was her hubby before all this?? Maybe seems lyk he may be part of the issue as well.. I do hate yal going thru this.. Hopefully yal will be able to work things out. Have u talked to her about yals friendship or how ur feeling?

OK so I have questions because I'm alarmed. Was her husband always like this? How long have they been together? Do you happen to know if she was on birth control, etc? Why does she have no contact with her family? Does he work? Could you go over to her house? Could you send her links to mum groups and information on PPA and PPD? Have you told her you are worried about her? How were you guys before your pregnancies? I'd be thinking she might be in an abusive relationship.

It sounds like she’s really struggling with the adjustment to motherhood (especially if it was an unplanned pregnancy). She may have PPD/PPA and it sounds like there’s definitely something off with the husband, whether their marriage is suffering with the strain of a new baby or he’s become controlling. I can think of lots of reasons why someone would be late and leave early from a baby shower, especially if she had a newborn by then or was like 9 months pregnant and feeling miserable. (The husband staying in the car is weird though.) I can also think of many reasons why she would cancel plans last-minute as a new mom - colicky baby, she was up all night, PPA, etc. And for the baptism, I personally don’t think anyone is obligated to schedule events around other people’s lives. Many people don’t go on birthday trips every year, so unless you’re out of town that week, I don’t see why it’s an issue for the baptism to be that day? Maybe it was the only day the church had available?

I agree with Bonny, try to check in with her and see how she’s doing. Maybe get coffee and bring it to her house and just hang out. Sometimes it can be hard as a new mom to see motivated to leave the house. Maybe she just needs to know you’re there for her and she can vent to you.

@Dontay he was def controlling but this is like another level. We had plans before babies were born that we made like months in advance and like the day before she cancelled bc her hubs was taking her to a 1st bday for someone she didn’t know. So idk.

@Hannah he’s always been a little controlling. But it’s worse now. She wasn’t on bc, they just weren’t actively trying as far as I know. It’s a LONG story, she was adopted and her adoptive family just wasn’t great. He does work but seems to always be around at the same time. I’m honestly afraid on how she’d react (I think she’d get really defensive etc) and I’ve literally barely spoken to her. Our conversations are like nothing now it sucks. And we were close! During Covid we had started a podcast and saw each other every weekend

@Rebecca he’s always been a little controlling but it’s gotten worse. Honestly my husband isn’t his biggest fan either. And it’s not so much that it’s my bday weekend. It’s the fact that like we’ve spoken here and there (always about our babies) and she just never mentioned she was even thinking about the same weekend. I would’ve appreciated a heads up instead of saying nothing and sending an invite two weeks before. I just thought we were closer than that

People do weird things sometimes when they’re deeply struggling. Sometimes that means pulling away from family and friends. Or the husband could be preventing her from reaching out to you. Lots of possibilities. Maybe just keep reaching out to her and keep letting her know you’re there for you? And if you do get a chance to talk to her more, then you can tell her how you feel and ask her if she’s okay.

Sooo for some reason seems like it may have gotten worse since baby has been born? Like others said, please try and reach out to her.. Dnt let him suspect anything tho.. Cuz, possibly, if he feels that u may be trying to "intervene" or anything lyk that he may try and mke things worse between yal or tell her to not speak to yal anymore..

I'd definitely reach out to her. Explain that you are concerned about her and that you miss her. You'd love to catch up but understand if she can't. Tell her you are always there if she needs you. If she wasn't on birth control but wasn't ready for a child, then she is either an idiot or he is being abusive and preventing her from going on birth control. How long have they been together? I'm honestly concerned for her safety and the safety of her child. Keep the lines of communication open, OP.

@Hannah I love her but I’m gonna say she was being dumb lol. And I have told her. Just frustrating that every time I ask her how she is I get ignored. It took her like 3 days to say thank you after I texted her for her bday. And they’ve been together for probably close to 10 years. The whole thing just sucks

It does suck but I'd still try to reach out. Keep the lines of communication open. Either she has heaps of stuff going on, his struggling with PPD or PPA or is in an abusive relationship. Either way, she needs support. I've gone that long forgetting to respond to my friends because life gets chaotic, and I forget I haven't responded. Life with a newborn/toddler is wild and takes a lot of adjustment. It sucks and your feelings are completely valid but try and give her some grace.

People handle new parenthood differently. And with every baby, moms handle things differently. After my twins were born I had severe PPD, and I would go weeks without responding to people. I would ignore texts because I couldn’t even get myself out of bed. You’re getting pissed at her over things that, in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter much. She isn’t adjusting as well as you, and this may just be a season in life that you guys aren’t as close as you have been, and that’s ok. If you cannot handle how she is right now, maybe some space is what you both need. But I really hope you hear what everyone is saying in these comments. She is struggling with something. You can either be there for her (whether she has the mental capacity to reply or not) or you can give her some space. Both options are fine, you both have to do what is best for yourself in the end.

It sounds like something is going on with her and her husband. I wouldn’t take it personal so quickly. She could need your help

@Hannah I had this same initial thought, possibly in an abusive relationship

@Loni, it comes across that way. I've heard of anxious parents but not, I'll sit in the car while you attend this event, anxious. Not, you can't go out without me anxious. It feels abusive or that there is something going on. Maybe the friend is struggling with things, and her partner is just trying to supportive. Something is going on though.