Lost a friend over parenting - lonely

I recently lost my only local friend due to her judging my child and talking negatively about him/his behavior. Her comments made me doubt my abilities and my son’s behavior which is why I’m over explaining a bit. My son is 2.5 and an out going, adventurous only child. None of his babysitters or weekly caregivers have any issues with tantrums ever. We are working on preventing tantrums by using logical consequences and teaching communication but they’re still common when we do adult oriented activities(never screaming, usually just whining or fake crying when he’s over tired or hungry). We are very active and daily go to stores, restaurants and events so I think we see more tantrums than families who stick to kid friendly/controlled outings. We are okay with this because we want him to be able to do everything with us and not have to keep him home to avoid a possible tantrum. We do not tolerate him disrupting other people in public and rarely have to leave due to tantrums (maybe 1-2 times a month). My friend claims my son has up to 5 tantrums every time we are together and laughs at me saying his behavior is normal claiming her friend worked in a daycare and it’s not normal. She a nanny’s but doesn’t take her nanny child in public so is not familiar with the dynamics of a child in public settings. I am also a nanny and care for 4 children (3 plus my son) all under 5 years old without any issues. We go on regular outings to pumpkin farms, parks, pre-k school pick ups, gymnastic open gyms, the zoo, etc all with just me and 4 children. Anyway, I’ve asked all people regularly involved with my son and no one has experienced anything like what she claims. I think she truly believes the “children should be seen and not heard”. I’m still very sad to lose a friend over such a silly thing but I can’t imagine continuing to bring my son around someone who is so critical of him. Has anyone else difficulty maintaining friendships with people who don’t have children due to harsh judgement?

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I haven’t lost the friendship, but I also have a friend who has more of this mentality. I often arrange to have my child/children go to the grandparents’ houses when we visit with this other couple. They don’t have kids, so I’m sure that factors in, but my mom also reminds me that it might also be cultural. We had another family of German heritage near us when I grew up and the mom was very strict about cleaning up during sleepovers—we all had to shower in like an assembly line to get clean. (I’ll note that in no ways was this at all perverted). We’ve also heard comments comparing our child to our other friend’s child. 🙄 But I also know she’s seen his tantrums, too, which is a relief to know!

That makes sense! My husband and I came from very different parenting cultures and have had to navigate that with grandparents and in our own house. How do you decide if the friendship is worth that effort of having someone else watch the kids and I’m guessing not discussing them?

I had a friend that had 4 kids, all within a few years of each other. My older two were too old for her kids but I figured my 2 yo and her 2 yo could play. We met on here when we were both still pregnant so it was a while before we actually met in person. When we met I had my older 2 with me and oh my gosh… her kids were WILD! Like constantly trying to hang off of my older kids. Getting sticks and trying to hit them. My boys are very easy going and non confrontational so they would say to stop, but not really raise their voice or get mad. I told them to stop but expected her to get after her kids. Nope just oh dont do that… and they kept doing it. Fast forward to future hang outs where I learned my lesson to not bring my older 2 and just my toddler… now her kids are hanging all over me! Like I’m some sort of playmate for them or a jungle gym. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids and don’t mind playing with them but for the whole time I’m there with you, I don’t want kids hanging on me.

Cont…. I can have that at home with my toddler lol idk it just made me mad she would never tell her kids anything because she was into “gentle parenting” which really just meant for her to ignore them. Ultimately I stopped accepting her invites to go over and never let them come to my house. We don’t really talk anymore because I just can’t get past her kids… i left her house feeling exhausted and flustered every time. So as long as you are actually trying to parent your kid… I don’t see the problem. Kids throw tantrums at times, that’s just how it is. But I look at the parents effort and that means a lot.

I don’t know…..we usually play board games with these friends, so we just do grown up game night or have them come over once the kids are asleep. We can discuss them, that doesn’t really create any issues. And they recently saw my son after not having seen him much in a while, and were impressed by how much he’d grown up/behavior (he started preschool last spring, so that was a big developmental jump in terms of interacting with others). And we have to ignore it if weird comments are made. Honestly, this couple has their own issues & we feel like sometimes we just have to be the bigger people and suck it up and I’m starting to tire of doing that in general (not just about kids), but that’s off topic, lol. I suppose it depends on how long you’ve been friends, what you did together, etc. Like is it a friendship of convenience for being in the same town? Etc. I remember one friendship in college that was a bit tough for me, but my mom encouraged me to put more effort into the friendship

But obviously that’s not always going to be the answer. And maybe you can say something to her that might request she not comment about your child? But that may or may not be received well…..

@Justine oh my gosh, that sounds exhausting and annoying!! We allow my son to play wild physical play only at home and only with his dad/grandpa/uncle. We use time outs if needed and expect polite words like please, thank you, sorry and excuse me (and he uses these without prompting often). I do allow him to do things like helping pick a hand soap to buy at a farmers market by smelling each (4) but I hold them and did not let him touch them and he smelled each and said “that’s nice!” and then he picked the blue one. This exact example bothered my friend and she was embarrassed but I enjoy letting my son be involved on silly little decisions like that when it doesn’t inconvenience anyone

@Incognito I don’t see anything wrong with that at all. It’s important to get your kids involved with daily things, how else will they learn about the world? I’d say get a new friend.

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