Hyper Holistic Hubby

This makes me sad for you. There is so much health risk that comes with pregnancy. Yes most people have healthy pregnancies but you can also catch any thing wrong pretty early as well. I personally wouldn’t be able to stay with a guy like that. As a high risk pregnancy I was so grateful for all the ultra sounds and all the doctors who were involved to keep me and my baby safe. I hope you keep going behind his back to keep you and your baby safe

Did you know these were his views when you discussed having children in the future?

Make decisions based on what is right for you and your baby (and frankly as a result, those decisions will likely be best for your fiancé, if he cares about you and your baby). Apart from anything, pregnancy is often a significantly anxiety provoking time in a woman’s life - and that care and those investigations can also bring a good degree of peace of mind in many cases - don’t give that up.

I think at the end of the day you need to go with your gut. Maybe there's some things you can lean more towards his views but you both need to sit down and discuss what the plan is. Also decide what the ideal option is for birth now

Yes its his baby, but girl, this is YOUR BODY. All the risk falls to you and your little one, not him. Sorry but i would never let my husband tell me what safety checks I could and could not have for my little first born child. Sending love. But you should absolutely stick up for what you want.

Your body, your health, your decision. No, you are absolutely not a bad wife. He is a bad husband for making decisions for you / trying to influence your choices with his own beliefs 🤷‍♀️

@Elena the pregnancy was unplanned but no I didn’t know he would feel this strongly about these things

There's a lot of information you can read up on yourself and make an educated decision for your child. You may come to realize that a lot of mainstream ideas are not in our best interest. How would you feel if something went wrong and you listened to your husband or your mom? Who do you blame for it? Them or yourself? I can't count how many times I've listened to professionals who guided me on what they learned but we're absolutely wrong.

I feel like it’s most important that you do what YOU feel is right here. Standard medical care is standard medical care for a reason. To protect you and baby.

I don’t know about South Carolina but in Canada if you don’t get any prenatal care you are immediately flagged by child protective services

Find a way to respectfully tell him to go fuck himself. Hell no this is your body, your risk. I know lots of very natural holistic dad's but they respect moms choice because they're not insane and/or controlling. It's easy for him to say these things because they literally have no effect on him. I would tell him to deal with it. If you getting safe Healthcare is a sore spot in your relationship then 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 not a good sign.

@Helen I see both sides of things that’s the issue. I can see how important the natural way is but I also understand there are things in western medicine that are helpful and necessary. Just have to find a middle ground but seems impossible

Of course go with what you’re comfortable with since you’re the one pregnant and your health and everything is impacted by that not his so he can’t 100% control how you choose to go about the pregnancy. However, is there a way you could discuss maybe a middle ground? Ultrasounds I feel like are such an exciting part of pregnancy and it’s not something I would skip out on. If you’re comfortable with it could you do a home birth or go to a more natural birthing center? You could look into a midwife, some clinics even have midwives for healthcare provider options but you still get to be in a clinic but I believe they’re trained more on natural birth methods and whatnot. Idk I’d just have a conversation and try to either tell him you aren’t comfortable with skipping out on some of the medical stuff or discuss what can be compromised on

No offence but it’s for the safety of your own child, HIS own child, respectfully, his holistic approaches can go in the bin for a few months whilst you deliver this baby SAFELY, AND with the help of doctors. Anything can go wrong, I get that’s his child too but there’s no way he should be making decisions like that. Put your foot down now before he tells you he doesn’t want to take his child to the hospital if God forbid someday you have to take your child to see a doctor in the future because ‘he doesn’t want to take professional advice’ sorry but that is scary to think he doesn’t want you to be safe during pregnancy all because of being holistic. It really does come down to safety, and in pregnancy it’s important.

This is not being “hyper holistic” this is having serious control issues. It sounds like a very dangerous situation for you.

Definitely not the asshole. While I understand he prefers a holistic approach, it’s also you and YOUR body. There are so many risks that come with pregnancy, some of which have no really obvious symptoms but that are really serious and pose a major risk to you and/or baby. Maybe propose that while you’re pregnant, you get the care and treatment you are comfortable with and take a more holistic approach that he’s comfortable with when baby is born? Out of curiosity, does he get mad if you go see a doctor for check ups or when you’re ill? (You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to).

@Maisey yeah I had agreed to go to a birthing center and do a water birth. I had agreed that we don’t need every single vaccine but everything is turning into a battle. He’s convinced the ultra sound is radiation and finds statistics to prove every single one of my decisions wrong when I’ve tried to explain to him some things are just for my own well being which is in the babys best interest!

I do want to thank all you ladies in here for your support and advice. It means the world to me and all is being taken into account 🫶🏽

The thing is, his believing in a holistic approach is for him…. it’s a bit ironic to enforce a so called “holistic approach” on another person…. it’s a contradiction in terms to do that. I think it’s worth pointing out the irony of this to him. And suggest that he looks at you and treats you and respects you as a whole person, and take a holistic approach to that. I would worry that this is a guise for something else, and has the potential get much worse. But right now I’m very sceptical of his so called holistic approach that conveniently disregards your wishes and beliefs.

@Rosa lol you’re completely right

Your body your choice

I think being a good mom and getting proper prenatal care is way more important than following the preferences of a man who doesn't seem to believe in science.

@abbey dang I’m sorry that would get hard and honestly exhausting to deal with. At the end of the day you are the one having to go through the whole experience so ultimately it should be up to you based on what you’re comfortable with

Even just one ultrasound would at least let u kno of any fatal fetal abnormalities

Its your body and therefore you are in charge of babies growth/wellbeing so if you prefer to get all the checks offered dont feel at all bad, especially if youve not followed his views on your own health prior as a lot of the possible complications found from the various scans and tests relate to your own health during pregnancy too. I really struggled with medical decisions with family and a partner who disagree on certain aspects but i operate on the logic of would i feel guilty/anything but content that my decisions were what i thought was best if god forbid something awful happened due to them, if the answer is you dont think youd regret the decision you made then go ahead if not follow what you think is best. Bringing him to an appointment to ask the midwife the risks and % of complications the scans and tests cause may ease his mind a bit as theyre very very minimal

Really, don’t take breadcrumbs with this. If you want the whole shebang of maternity care, with bells on, then you choose that 👍🏻 Especially if this is your first pregnancy, it’s hard navigating all those new waters, without then having to negotiate with someone whether they’d consider permitting you to have each bit of it. Take care of yourself and I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby. And good luck with all the monitoring you wish to have :)

@Heather this x

This is the first time but definitely not the last time you will need to stand up for your baby against your husbands wishes. Listen to your mama instinct. Take his inputs into consideration, but this is YOUR body. Childbirth and pregnancy are dangerous, so many women and babies have died from childbirth that nowadays can be saved through modern medicine. Your husband does not get to make these decisions

@abbey I'm incredibly holistic & was in the opposite position of having to convince my partner (now husband) on going against most mainstream things. Ultimately, it is your body & you need to make the decision that you feel is best for you. I'd let him know you want to have informed consent & then you can make the educated decision that's best for you. I think that's somewhere a lot of naturally minds people don't get. You can know a procedure has high risks that outweigh the benefits & still choose it because it's what's best for whatever reason. For us we found an amazing homebirth midwife who practiced evidence based birth & offered 100% informed consent. Our appointments were always an hour & she gave us all the information on everything, the benefits, potential risks, & always respected our decisions. We comprised on ultrasounds & agreed to do the anatomy scan (18-20 weeks) & no others.

I think you need to have a serious conversation to align yourself as parents, as I imagine these views would extend into healthcare after birth too. Yours and your child’s health comes first - if you’re not comfortable/don’t share his holistic views this needs to be cleared up and his expectations managed ASAP so he knows exactly where you stand and what is going to happen with baby’s care.

@Danika he’s capable of handling the expenses and I’m privileged to be able to be a stay at home mom. He’s expressed that he feels as though I’m not listening or valuing his outlooks when I don’t agree to do things the way he’d prefer. And all I want is to feel supported in any decision I make! We eat extremely healthy, and have our own chickens for eggs ..you get the picture. I’ve altered my habits in many ways to fit into the lifestyle. I just wish he could validate my concerns instead of saying im “too programmed”. I get where he’s coming from, he just wants us to be healthy and safe but it doesn’t all sit right with me. Anyways thanks for listening and being there🤍 venting is helping lol

@Dana Lew what do you mean by informed consent ?

Get the ultrasound. Do what makes you comfortable. It’s your body and even though he’s the father he doesn’t understand what it is to be pregnant.

@Helen I agree with you! There’s a lot that’s wrong with the systems we have in place and ultimately these corporations don’t have our best interest that’s for sure. I would never blame either of them for a decision I made it’s just tough being in the middle of two completely opposite view points especially when it’s the two people I care about and value most! Do I take all his advice because he’s done research or do I take the advice of someone who’s seen it all when it comes to labor and delivery. I guess you can’t make everyone happy all the time! I’m lucky my mom is supportive of whatever I decide I just wish he felt the same When I research both their points I always find evidence that backs both. AGH

Did you guys not talk about this kind of stuff before getting pregnant? Personally I think the ides of a holistic pregnancy and birthing experience is super cool I could never. I give huge props to the home birth moms, no pain kills, all the things etc. Pregnancy is a life changing experience and you need to make it your own. You should do things your way especially because the healthier and happier you are the better experience you’ll have. I think it’s awesome your husband believed in you like this but I also think that it’s not his body and he has no idea what you’re feeling. I’d just straight up let him know that when he gets pregnant you’ll happily be by his side doing rahki and hiding the Tylenol but until then as do what makes you comfortable.

If you don’t accept the help of modern medicine then you and baby are a lot more at risk of course. Mortality rates used to be quite high in childbirth before we had modern medicine/ care… Since the risk is to your life/body and baby’s I think this is entirely your choice.

It’s your body and your baby’s health that an ultrasound is good for. It’s for early detection of things. Why else would it be a thing. Also, we checked on Chat GPT, ultrasound is not radiation. It’s sound waves. Do what your intuition is calling you to do. And let him know that female intuition is just about as powerful if not more than any holistic way of looking at things.

@Elizabeth luckily Ive been very healthy and haven’t had to see a doctor in years prior to the pregnancy. If I got a cold he is always stocked with supplements and herbal remedies to help. I did have to get an ultrasound on one of my breasts not too long ago due to an irregularity and it ended up being nothing but he had no words against that. I think emotions are very high for both of us at the moment but it feels like this is going to be a 40 week battle at this point🥴

You don’t need to get regular ultrasounds but it’s best to do the dating scan, 12 weeks scan for doing early testing (plus the blood work), anatomy scan and third trimester scan. I did minimal mainly because I had an unremarkable pregnancy with no complications and placenta was in a good position. He’s allowed to have his beliefs and you can have yours. He doesn’t need to attend the scans but he can’t expect you to respect his beliefs if he’s not respecting yours. It’s a two way street. My partner didn’t care about having ultrasounds done but understood I wanted them for peace of mind. Medically we have these things for a reason and it can help with early prevention/treatment if it’s caught during a treatable time. FYI ultrasound is not radiation🫤

The details of the true risks & benefits of a procedure, including providing medical research, studies, etc. I'd watch the business of being born. Evidence based birth is a good resource. And look up "physiological birth".

You need to talk to him about it. I’m really happy to hear you’re seeking out the medical care you want. I’d ask him, “what are your fears or concerns if I get an ultrasound/go to the hospital/etc?” “ What are your thoughts on my desire to be informed and feel safe?” This is in regard to wanting an ultrasound. Is it worth it to him to have the stress on the baby for you to not know. I’m crunchy. I almost avoided all ultrasounds and tried to give birth at a birth center. I ended up having to transfer. Overall I went into my birth being incredibly educated and knowing what interventions I was okay with and why. You all have to find common ground where you both feel educated about the topics and empowered to make the right decision. But my biggest advice is approach with curiosity. He cares about you and loves you and wants what’s best. Be curious why these are the conclusions he made and what other information or view he is open to. Good luck!

Proper prenatal care is not something I’d trust a man without a medical degree to chime in on.

I was holistic like that. I did open up to some ultrasounds. They were informative and beautiful. When I knew everything was ok, I skipped some things like ultrasounds. He does care for you and for the baby. I would ask him to compromise with some things even though it causes some worries. During an ultrasound, you can ask the doctor to be quick, and they respect it. Share the concerns with the doctor right away.

You’re the mom, you pick what’s right for you and your child.

It sounds like he’s holistic to the point where he’ll choose that over your health/safety. Do not allow him to lead

Being fully or partially holistic is not bad as long as you're both fully informed. I suggest that you find a really good Doula who can advise you both on everything, answer any questions, and ease both your fears. And you're lucky to have your mum with that background! so maybe having her help come up with a few questions or something since she knows the system from the inside. And if you do decide to free birth (or somewhere between that and hospital), having her on standby is gold. But no, you're not the asshole for the ultrasound. Medically or holistically, everyone will agree that your comfortablilty and sanity come first. Baby is fully dependent on YOU.

He does not get to lead when it is your body and you should not feel like a bad wife for that. You absolutely need to make decisions based on what’s best for you and the baby, not what’s best for him. Did you discuss his holistic views and approach to this before the pregnancy?

The baby is currently living in your body and is impacting your health too ( there are plenty of things you could develop because you are pregnant). Would he tell ‘you’ when you can and can’t go to the doctor for anything ?

Also as far as “ letting him lead”. A wife should only submit if they feel comfortable and trust the man. You are rightly so feeling alarmed at his lack of awareness for safety for you and your baby so he’s not showing good leadership , leaders do not just get get given ‘ power’ ( I’m not using that word in a loaded way) because they simply declare they are the leader , they earn it through trust and the ability to make calculated and beneficial decisions. This applies in all industries and types of relationships

If my partner fought me on everything & wasn’t respecting my wishes on how I went through pregnancy he wouldn’t continue to be my partner for long. It’s your health that’s impacted, it’s you that will face any complications, short or long term, it’s you who is 100% responsible for the child that is growing in your body up until you give birth when it then becomes a shared responsibility. Frankly I’d be sitting him down, explaining where your lines are & what you won’t be compromising on, he either respects it or there’s the door. And I would absolutely trust my mother’s decades of first hand experience over my partners Google searches. I’d also not be compromising on vaccines or where & how I give birth unless I was open to suggestions on those things in the first place. He would be a 🚩 for me & I would seriously consider whether to walk away now as I don’t think I’d trust him with medical decisions in the future for our child, I couldn’t take that risk if he refused treatments.