Turning to alcohol for grief

Omg I pressed yes by accident because I'm a clown and didn't read the question properly 🙃 There is definitely no excuse for this and he needs to get it together. He can go live with his mom and they can make each other's lives hell since they both think this behaviour is acceptable. I personally wouldn't think it's ok even without the baby, let alone with baby

I clicked yes, just because I know how he is feeling. My Nan has been gone 4 years next month & I still miss her like I did when she left us. I'm not saying that his behavior is acceptable, but there is a reason for it. Maybe just try & sit down with him & have a conversation about how he could find a more appropriate way to deal with his emotions. I hope you manage to sort things out x

Record it. Call the police if u need to. It’s horrible that she’s dying but to process it this way w a baby is just a red flag. Definitely document this in case u need it if his drinking escalates and u decide to leave him.

@Kacey it is not a red flag at all. People deal with grief differently & unfortunately, some people do turn to alcohol. The police do not need to be involved. You've obviously never lost anyone you love 😒

I wouldn't have cleaned up the puke. Don't make it easy for him. He can clean it up while he's hung over the next day and think about his shitty behavior. I know people process grief differently but that doesn't give you license to destroy things and put other people in harms way. And that's what he's doing if he's spilling boiling water and falling over things. What if he had spilled it on your baby? Or baby had been in the ball pit? Yes, there's a reason for it but it's still unacceptable behavior in my opinion. Tell him go find a therapist. I know it sucks to lose someone close to you but people die and life goes on.

I really can't believe how uncaring you all are. Obviously, none of you have had to deal with cancer or mental health problems in your lives 🫤

Do you and baby have anywhere you can stay for a few days to give your husband some time alone? He’s obviously going through a really hard time and you need to lovingly tell him how, while understandable, his behavior is concerning you and scaring the baby and when he has calmed down tell him to come to you so you can be able to support him in a healthier way, on his part. I’m so sorry you all are going through this 🫶🏼 .

@Rachel actually, I have, thanks. There are many ways to deal with grief but this isn't it. I'm not saying don't be supportive, and I wouldn't immediately leave someone for behaving this way but it's not healthy and left unchecked can just cause more problems in the future. He needs to deal with the grief, not slap a band aid on it and put his family in harm's way in the process.

I could imagine how difficult this is for the both of yous. I don’t really have advice but hope you guys get through this

It sounds like his family have crap coping strategies.. yes, it’s awful, but his behaviour is not ok. Maybe try and encourage him to instead of drinking, to try a talking therapy / alternative support or outlet as a better way to process his grief. It is hard, but his Nan sadly won’t be cured by him finding the bottom of a bottle. It’s going to get worse, but the impact on his baby for his behaviour could damage them lifelong. As an adult and a parent, you have to toughen up a bit. You’re showing your children how to behave, how to deal with situations, how to navigate life… it’s shit. I lost my brother suddenly when my baby was a similar age. It’s hard, but you have to try and keep it together, because they need you. It’s definitely ok to be sad, and to grieve. It’s how you do it that matters. It sounds like he’s learned a really destructive way of dealing with loss from his mum, and he’s going to need to put some work in to set a better example for his child. Hope that makes sense x

Thanks girls! I obviously understand people grieve in different ways, I’m not saying he’s not allowed to grieve, but destructive scary behaviour should never happen around a baby and I have my own trauma of DV surrounding substance abuse. He refuses therapy and avoids talking to anyone, including friends, family and me like the plague no matter the circumstances. I have nowhere else to go as my family aren’t involved with me anymore and his family only supports him. I do my best to support him, always opening the conversation to talk about it but he doesn’t, I keep in contact with his family and let them know what’s going on but there’s nothing else I can do at this point.

@Rachel I firmly believe there’s a difference between not caring and holding someone accountable for their actions. I’ve dealt with both mental health issues and loss through cancer and I never once have acted the way he has. Everyone reacts differently but dangerous behaviours swept under the rug lead to issues down the line.

Yes & I said that his behavior wasn't acceptable, but I think that people suggesting that you call the police is way over the top. He is grieving for his Nan, who isn't even dead yet. So I think you need to get yourself ready for the possibility that things might get worse if you can't persuade him to let his grief out in another way.

@Natalia you do not abandon your partner when he needs you the most. Would you like your partner to leave you to grieve on your own?!

It sounds like you might need to start setting some boundaries… my suggestion is as follows - let him know that you are there to support him, you love him and want to help. Reaffirm about being available to listen, if he wants to see friends, have some counselling or even escape into a video game or something that you’ll give him space to do those things. Then, let him know that if he wants to drink to excess, it’s not something that you can support, raise your concerns in a non-confrontational/non-judgemental way. Ask him to maybe go to his mum’s on those nights, and to come home when he is sober. Reaffirm again that you want to support, but you both need to put your child first. Say that you want to be there, and hope he will accept some help, stay with you, and allow you to support him through this. That’s what I’d do anyway x

@Rachel if I had an 8 month old and my husband was getting carelessly drunk, knocking things over, spilling pots of boiling water, and throwing up all over the bathroom floor for me to clean up? yes, yes, I would for a couple of hours at the least or days at most . My husband just recently lost his brother and he was not acting this way. Like we alll know, we all process grief differently, so what may work for one might not for the other…that doesn’t mean that you get to just do whatever…

Grief is an awful, lonely journey and no 2 experiences are the same. Everyone finds different ways to cope and unfortunately some are healthier than others. However, your child has to come first and if it is starting to affect them and your mental health as well, there is a tough conversation that needs to be had. You can sit him down calmly, tell him how his behaviour is now affecting your family, and give him the option to pull himself together. If he doesn’t react how you need him to, at least you’ve tried. Remove yourself and your child from the situation, at least until he’s in a better place. If there wasn’t a child involved then yes I’d say stay and help him through it but it’s not that straight forward when a child is involved.

Defo record it I've been through a long battle of illness and lost my Dad 6 days after my only baby was born , was executor of his will and dealing ongoing with my mum who has advanced dementia All whilst my little one is now 15m old. I could have easily turned to alcohol- I already suffer with anxiety and depression and having to manage all the paperwork and finances for my mum. He needs counselling it is traumatic and he likely is having flashbacks but no excuse for alcohol abuse

@Rachel that is still never an excuse to be drunk around a baby. he's causing more stress for the mother of his child just because he can't deal with problems like an adult.