Postpartum rage
Ever since I gave birth I have really bad postpartum rage and it only seems to be getting worse.
It started at night when I would be feeding LO and my bf would be snoring next to me and I would get so mad out of nowhere. I would have to do breathing exercises to keep me from just wacking him in the face while he was sleeping.
Last week I had an anger attack because he kept scrolling on his phone while we said we were going to bath LO together and he only showed up once the bath was already done. We eventually talked it out and I was okay again.
Last night was the worst so far. He refused to change our sons diaper before bed because "he had a long day". LO was sleeping on his chest at that point. He didnt ask me nicely to do it instead, he just refused "im not going to change his diaper, im tired". After I spent the entire day with our son while he didnt want to be put down and didnt want to sleep. It felt so disrespectful towards me. Like he was entitled to rest and I wasn't. It made me so mad. Also because he would be sleeping through the night after that one diaper, while I would be up with him. It was the least he could do. The anger took over my entire body and breathing through it didn't help.
After I changed the diaper, I put LO down and went to throw and kick a pillow around downstairs. It didn't help. I tried kicking my bf out of the bed because there was no way I was going to sleep next to him and LO sleeps in a cosleeper. He refused. I had to go for a walk outside to cool off, I was shaking with rage, I couldn't get that feeling out of me. After my walk my bf told me I shouldn't have "commanded" to do the diaper and I shouldve asked. I told him he wasnt doing me a favor, our son just needed a new diaper. I said I would feed our son and then I would sleep on the couch if he didn't want to and then he could bring him to me when he needed to drink again.
I fed my son while I told my bf to not talk to me because I didn't want to get mad again while holding him. He tried to apologize "im sorry okay? When he wakes up i will change that diaper". But I wasn't having it, cause that wasn't the point. Once my bf saw I really didn't want to sleep next to him, also because I knew I would probably not be able to keep myself from hurting him, he gave in and is now sleeping on the couch. Him leaving instantly made me feel better.
I don't know how to navigate these feelings of rage. It really takes over my entire body and I hate it. I feel 16 again, but its worse than that. Im just so angry all of the time and I don't want to be. Does anyone relate or has any tips?
It's really hard, it's tough as our bodies have been through so much and on top of that looking after a tiny human, feeding around the clock and losing major amounts of sleep while we look at our partners who can live so called normal lives. I had the same, my husband bounced back fairly quickly and wanted to get back into the gym and do errands while I was at home looking after a newborn who was barely two weeks old. Try to keep communicating how you're feeling when you're calm so he knows what to expect, it's really tough I was also fuming and it took me a lot of time to calm down. I also noticed my hormones played a part in this which didn't help and my period did arrive so could be a combination. But it's important you let him know how you feel as you did and good you're using breathing techniques. During the day if you have a minute try doing something daily for yourself be it a hot mug of hot chocolate, a hot shower. What also helped was reading online that this was normal