Husband help plz (it’s a longish read.. sorry)
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I think how you frame it all depends on how you think a conversation might go. My partner has autism for example, so I know that trying to appeal to his emotional side probably isn't going to work as he is a very logical/rational thinker. We had a similar conversation recently, around similar things and it became clear that there was a very obvious misalign between jobs that I see need doing and jobs that he sees. He does quite a lot already but he genuinely does not see certain things and we agreed as a compromise that I may sometimes need to just ask him clearly and directly to do something. But that's just our example, I guess the point is knowing the audience and what will have an impact. A couple of ideas...
@Natalia that’s the thing - he is sooo good at everything else and manages all things I couldn’t do (insurances, gas & electric bills etc) which I really appreciate because he’s so savvy with getting deals etc but they’re not the all the time jobs! Like you say, he just doesn’t see mess and his argument is that it’s my mess.. and I hate to admit that he’s right .. it is a lot of my mess but my point is when I’m doing everything I run out of energy to stay on top of “my mess”‘so it builds. Someone has suggested the organised mum method app to me so we can delegate jobs and clearly see when they’ve not been done/have been done (I’m visual so I would love this). You’re right - it’s working for us to find a compromise x
@Rowena I think even writing this post has helped me organise my thoughts and think of what the problems are for me. I love your idea of outlining solutions rather than issues. I think what happens is I let it get until I’m at the end of my tether and then we argue and it becomes a blame game. But because we’ve had the blow out, the issue seems to go away for a little while!
Draw up a complete list / schedule of all the jobs that need doing and when and highlight who does them currently. Ask him to sit down with you and a different coloured marker each to try and distribute the tasks a bit more evenly. So it feels more like a joint exercise than a big 'talk'. Even if what you come up with isn't set in stone it will be a clear visual of the distribution of work and he may see that as a sign that your plate is a bit fuller than his - this may prompt him to take on a bit more himself.
@Lisa appreciate these comments. I think sometimes I equally struggle to communicate with what I need to help (I struggle asking for help) so I internalise all the frustration instead of just saying directly what I need. I think sometimes I expect him to read my mind and then get annoyed when he doesn’t!
My other recommendation is an app called Paired - communication is another thing for us that requires a bit more effort so we've been using this app and the prompts to strengthen that side of things. It's actually really cute and we've had some fun and intimate conversations from it. You can tailor it to your specific goals when you sign up and if I remember rightly one of the options is around chores and stuff. It does cost money, I think I paid about £12 to try it for 3 months, but it's been worth it even just to keep us connecting with each other which can be a challenge with a baby! It's a lot less intense than having a big conversation, and I actually love getting the little notifications to say he's answered a question or done a quiz and I get to see what his answers are.
Lastly, and this is just for your benefit - I know it's hard when things are piling up around you and you just don't have time to do it all, but mess and dirt can always wait, it'll always be there, these moments with your little one take priority so relax and enjoy them as much as you can, you are doing an amazing job! Xx
I remember watching something a long time ago about how men perceive things when it's said in arguments and how they become extremely defensive. I think you need to approach things in a very calm manner and explain things, if you need to write things down don't be afraid to as it will help you stay on point even if he gets defensive. The other thing is making him know you don't think he's doing these things with malicious intent, it will help him to not want to be defensive. But you need him to also understand that even when things aren't done with bad intent they really hurt you and how they make you view him and that it's affecting your marriage and that it actually scares you (instead of angers you) because you love him and you want your relationship to grow in strengths because of having children not the opposite. Also, sounds bizarre, but if you can get him to have your little one for a day and you maybe go and do a KIT day I honestly think it gives such a different perspective to men!
We did a list of weekly jobs with who was responsible for each, and got a family planned to add in nursery days, repeat prescription collections, Dr appointments and anything else "admin". We split all tasks and know who does what. Eg I clean the bathroom but he does the bins. Whoever cooks tea the other person clears up afterwards. I primarily do the bottles and things but I do ask if I'm busy and they need doing. Having that structure and clear responsibility along with set days on the calendar for doing things really helped as there was no bickering. Eg we knew hoovering was done by x person on x day. The only thing we were careful of is not to "blame" or point fingers if one person genuinely forgets or slips up a couple of times. You could also try setting time aside to discuss it and make the plans, something along the lines of we keep discussing this but it's always when emotions are high, so can we put an hour aside on Sunday morning to go through it all calmly and make a plan
I’m gonna be the one that goes against the grain and says absolutely screw off with ‘lowering expectations’ or ‘throw money at the problem’ How about expecting your partner to actually BE a partner and step up like a goddamn adult when shit needs doing My partner cooks, cleans, does laundry, washes dishes, does bins, runs errands, shops, does bath time, sorts out the kids outfits and helps pack bags when we go out, does bedtime, sorts toys, does the nursery runs, organises AND works He does all this because it’s called being an adult and he’d have to do it all if he lived without me anyway The difference is we share the tasks every day, we both sort things we see need doing, we divide chores and switch it up with the exception of he does the bins exclusively and I tidy the bathroom exclusively cuz I’m super particular about the way the bathroom looks We communicate on what tasks need doing, we have a chart on the fridge with meal plans, to do’s, important dates etc
I could not and would not tolerate an environment where we don’t equally share the load and do the tasks that need doing for OUR family My partner also has autism which is why we have the planners and routines in place because he needs the structure but we sat down right at the beginning of our relationship and discussed how best to make the house work so neither of us got burnt out and when kids came along we adjusted to fit them in I think having a discussion is your best bet and be completely clear on expectations and sharing the load But I’m sorry if a man doesn’t want to step up and actually work for his family instead of just his employer then he needs showing the door because women have been doing both since the beginning of time and they don’t get to get away with it For the first two weeks after each of my births my partner did all the night feeds, cooking, cleaning etc because I had literally just pushed a human out of my own body and he actually recognised that
@Artemis because she very specifically asked for no husband bashing, only support/advice on how to tackle the conversation she already knows she needs to have... So the only vaguely helpful thing in your entire comment was a mention of planners and charts. But well done for coming in hot with how perfect your husband is and how anything less should be shown the door.
@Lisa he’s not perfect, nowhere did I say he was perfect, he’s also not my husband, we sat down and worked it out and anything less than a partner who is willing to meet you half way and BE a partner should be shown the door, that’s my opinion but if others are willing to accept a partner who doesn’t share the load then it’s their circus. No one, male or female, should accept their partners not pulling their weight, it’s completely unfair for the majority to be on women as it so often is just because it’s expected. Also I didn’t specifically bash her partner, if anything it was more directed at other comments implying she should lower her expectations, no she shouldn’t because her expectations are extremely reasonable and outsourcing the problem doesn’t solve the problem either. At the end of the day she’ll do whatever she wants/needs to do and she can take my comments however she wants to, sometimes it’s helpful to see differing opinions, sometimes it isn’t, it’s up to her
Might sound silly but could you write him a letter? It gives you an opportunity to think about what you want to say and gives your husband time to digest it before responding! Could paying for a cleaner be an option if your husband feels he cannot take on some of the housework? I’d outline what you see as a solution rather than just pointing out the issues.