in Mamas with depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders

Should I divorce lazy depressed lying husband?

Just wanting some advice from outside perspectives here as I am at my wits end, me and my husband have been married 6 years together for 8. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship and we also have a son and daughter together. My husband was absolutely lovely for the first 5 years or so and was wonderful with my kids (his step kids) and treated them like his own but there was a slow decline as he began drinking more and more and became an alcoholic, i found countless empty vodka bottles hidden around our house when it was at the worst point. I would dread evening times as he would always try and pick fights and become extremely obnoxious towards me and the kids which would end up in huge arguments sometimes in front of the kids which I’m not proud of. He attended a help group to overcome his alcoholism and he did stop for quite a few months but Iv found out he’s been drinking here and there again for the past few weeks. Many things have happened including me finding out that he was snapchatting an ex ‘fuck buddy’ for the duration of our relationship sending naked photos back and forth, he drunk drove with our daughter in the car which ended up in him going to jail for the night and he now has a court case which he has to attend next year, it was agreed that i would be a stay at home Mum and he would be the provider going out to work but he hasn’t worked for the past 2 years and has only really had a part time job for a few months at a time here and there for the duration of our relationship. He is extremely depressed but doesn’t appear to be making any effort to go and get any external help, he spends hundreds of pounds a month on vapes, energy drinks and other random shit without contributing a penny. I came home from playgroup with my 2 year old daughter yesterday morning to find him passed out in the (empty) bathtub drunk at 11am. He’s told me for the past 2 months he’s been applying for lots of jobs but I found out yesterday by looking on his indeed profile that he hasn’t actually applied for any at all and has been lying about it. My 2 kids from a previous relationship aren’t currently allowed to stay with us as their dad has said he doesnt want them in this kind of environment which is absolutely understandable so I’m currently only seeing them away from home at family members houses which breaks my heart and makes me feel like the shittest mum ever. I feel like a fool for believing he’s going to change as he will be lovely for a few days and will make a real effort for me and the kids and will help out with chores like Iv asked him to as it is has always been me doing literally everything but then he always seems to go back to his lazy old ways sitting on the sofa watching YouTube videos and wallowing in his own self pity and he is just extremely unpleasant to be around. I’m torn as I know he is seriously depressed and I’m worried about the path he’s going down and want to support him, I’m not a perfect wife by any stretch and I know Iv been unsupportive sometimes and not taken his feelings into consideration but Iv tried my best considering the circumstances. i don’t know how much more I can take I feel like I’m being taken for a mug and to top it off I’m 5 months pregnant, he convinced me to keep the baby and that everything will get better but I’m sat here wishing I didn’t now as I’m going to be a single mother of 5 if things carry on the way they have been 😭 Any advice would be appreciated

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He intentionally put your daughter in danger. That one instance alone, even if nothing else bad has happened, should tell you to leave. He drank and drove with your child in the car, he knowingly risked her life so he could be selfish and drink. He isn't going to get better unless he's slapped with a hard truth about the reality of what he's doing and the only way to do that would be to leave him

I’d be long gone, you can do better. He’s a danger to himself and others

Sounds like he’s fighting with demons and they’re winning. If you divorce him he’ll go pass the rabbit hole and they WILL win. He/Boah of you need counseling or yall need to have conversations to find out the root of his depression and pain that has him drinking like a fish. At one point everything was going good you have to go back in your memory bank to see when his changes started and what was going on. You have to be patient and listen and not give up on him. Marriage is for better or worse and right now he’s on the worse side and have to figure out why and fight to get him back to the man you married. We all go through things in our own way. As we know Depression shows up in all kinds of ways, right now he’s crashed out and he’s not strong enough to get himself out and needs you to fight with him and for him.

It sounds like you need to ask him to leave or get in touch with his family and ask for help to move him out. If he refuses to get therapy and to change then you need to do what’s best for you and your children x

I’m going to be direct with you bc this is what I needed when I was in a similar situation. He’s only doing what’s best for him. He’s not thinking about you or the kids. So now you need to do what’s best for you. Marriage is NOT for selfish people. He’s not showing up, he’s a grown man so he knows what he’s doing, he just doesn’t care enough to change to make things right, to contribute. He doesn’t care enough. So stop waiting for him to wake up and care, stop staying in a potentially dangerous situation hoping it gets better. It’s as good as it going to get right now. He may NEVER change. Start living your life the way you want it right now. Does that mean divorce idk I’ll leave that up to you but you can definitely leave and figure your life out in a better environment away from his instability.

Have you tried Al-Anon?

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