Can I get some thoughts on this…MIL wanting to hold the baby basically ALL DAY….
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No you’re not being crazy. Mine came 1week after I gave birth!!! And it was literally the saaame thing. She wanted to do everything and all I wanted to do is be with my baby. I literally JUST got him and all she did was hog him and held him alllll day! My mom even came over and didn’t even get a chance to hold him bc she kept him. I ended up having a little break down in my room and my SO asked me if its bc his mom is hogging the baby. He could tell. So he went and had a talk with her and it was better. I did feel bad bc shes so nice but I just wanted to bond with my new baby as a ftm. I get that shes only there for a week but its very soon to visit and they should understand how important it is for you to bond with your baby. I think you should have a talk with your husband and try to have him have that talk and give you some support on it. Ugh its so crazy mine did the same exact things as yours! Literally
@Leslie omg yeah this is exactly how I feel. Like I’m overwhelmed with them doing things. With dumb things too, like for example bottle washing. It’s like i can’t relax and I’m scared they won’t wash it good enough 😂🤦🏽♀️ but at the same time his parents can lack common sense sometimes sooo yeah lol! They JUST mentioned 5 mins ago maybe coming back in two weeks jsut for a weekend and I’m DYINNNG inside now. I do not want them to and idk how to tell my husband that if he says yes to their face lol. I just wanna be alone with my baby on the weekend with my husband.
@Dara ugh that’s rough, i feel less crazy since I’m not alone in feeling this at least!!! I also feel bad too because my MIL is also soooo nice so i never say anything lol! She just started talking about maybe coming back for a weekend in two weeks (but my SIL is coming next weekend) and it’s like that feels like too much. I just wanna be alone for a weekend with my husband and baby (ofc my toddler too haha)!
Aw that’s just too much but also they are just so excited. I would just let them know you would really like to do more with the baby while they are there. Or what I ended up doing is taking my baby into my room to breast feed him and then bottle feed since i wasn’t producing much, then just spend time with him while I was pumping to have more one on one time with him. If you’re not breastfeeding him you can just take him away to feed him yourself.
@Dara this is what I do!! Take him into my bedroom and BF and then usually will do a bottle after because he doesn’t get enough BFing only since he starts and stops too much. Plus i usually get a couple hours of sleep while my husband watches him until 2am and then I wake up and take over the rest of the night so it’s like I def still have my time with him cause he still is waking at least once after 2am but she still hogs him for sure during the day, and I’m just started to feel annoyed for some reason :/ i don’t wanna feel like that i jsut can’t help it! Feels like she keeps wanting to take over. Then I almost feel stressed about it that she is holding him more than me, like he’s going to forget that I’m his mom 😅
Oh yeah definitely set some boundaries now. We're not having house visits for like 6 weeks when our 3rd baby comes (any day now) but we also have 2 older kids in school and im already stressed over the cold and flu season coming
I almost feel angry right now that it’s my shift to sleep (9pm - 2am) and my husband usually watches him this time and she’s downstairs holding him right now and she has been holding him for the last 2 hours lol. Which also annoys me cause it’s like he’s sleeping (i put him down in pack and play or crib if he’s sleeping i don’t hold him for HOURS like she does)! But it’s like i can’t say anything or do anything right this second cause i have to hurry up and finish pumping and get to bed because I’m sooooo tired and i can’t not sleep right now. This is my only guaranteed sleep each day and i can’t last a whole other day without this 4 hour stretch of sleep 😅🤷🏽♀️
My MIL is the same way. My LO was early and she was that way even when baby was in the NICU, it was a lot. Once home, I started wearing the baby when they would visit and took her out of the room to feed her whether I was BF or giving a bottle.
I think you have a really balanced perspective here honestly. I want to hold my babies 24/7 but it’s not practical. She is obviously head over heels for your baby which is wonderful, you want as much love for the kid as possible. Take the breather whenever you can, esp while pumping. If she is holding baby and you want baby, just take baby. Go lay in bed and rest and snuggle him one on one. But if you’re not holding baby or need to like shower or nap or eat, it’s nice that your mil wants to hold him. AND it’s nice that she’s leaving soon lol
Honestly, I would suggest setting some boundaries. If there’s one thing that becoming a mother has taught me it’s to learn to stop people pleasing and listen to what my mind & body want and/or need. You are the parent and you have every right to set whatever boundaries you wish. I hate when family members act like they’re entitled to certain things just because they’re family.. I would suggest maybe talking to your husband about it and see if he can talk to your MIL. You can also just tell her you’d prefer if she could leave the baby in the bassinet/crib when he’s sleeping, or if he doesn’t need anything. Tell her you just don’t want him to get used to being held to sleep or something. Another suggestion is to use a baby wrap and just baby wear him around the house so she can’t hold him as much. Also, maybe tell your husband and in laws that you are feeling overstimulated and just need to be home alone with your baby for a bit while they all go out somewhere.
My in-laws live nearby and haven't held my 6 week old yet. I was the same with my second born (they weren't around for my first born). They're brand new, they're tiny, and they can't say what they want. I know I'm a bit to the extreme.. but saying it to tell you, ITS OK TO SAY NO!! You are basically shooting yourself in the foot by allowing this. 1- Baby isn't going to be ok being put down at all by the time they leave. 2- baby is going to be used to mil holding her, and suddenly she's gone. 3- you're missing time with your newborn that you want.. take it!
Not crazy! With my first..my husband’s stepmom and dad came as soon as I was in labor and after I was in recovery his step mom would just look at us..suuuuuuper weird. And then when we got home same thing. Never asked to hold her just stood in front of me and watched. 😬 my mom would hold her and have me do chores..which I didn’t have a backbone so I just did it even though I had an almost 4th degree tear I was recovering from!
Oh no. I wouldn't let that happen. Newborn needs mom and mom needs baby. I mean yes she hold him if you agree with it. But that shouldn't be all time. I would say no whenever I feel it's not appropriate. Despite being happy of the break.
My baby is 7 weeks, my in laws were here when I got home from hospital (looking after our son), they visited a couple of weeks later and we just stayed with them last week. A bit like you, I don't know how I feel. My MIL is so helpful, does the cooking, will do some tidying (although tidying our room felt like an ovetstep), both are great with our son and able to give him the attention we haven't always been able to with a new baby. But, any time we're eating, and I'm not feeding baby, she will take her from me. Yes it's nice to eat a hot meal but it's my baby. She will also cuddle for a long time and even when I say I think she needs feeding (partly because I feel full) will say "she's ok". I went for a shower because she was fine, halfway through lo starts crying for feed. It's tricky, I'm grateful on one hand, but not on the other. They don't live as close as my parents so I want them to get quality time
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Enjoy it now
Have you talked to your husband about any of this? Is he willing to be helpful and advocate for you? You are not crazy! And sometimes we need our partners support in these things. Especially when it comes to inlaws.
With kindness, enjoy it whilst you can. It's only 1 week, literally one week, so let her make the most of her new grandbaby! As you say, she's also helpful too and a nice person, so I'd personally cut her some slack. My parents came for a week when my baby was a week old and I loved it! They cooked and helped with the baby, it was brilliant tbh. I say to them to pls pick up and cuddle their granddaughter as much as they want, as this time is precious and its over far too quickly x
I think she probably lives a fair way away and she's trying to get a years worth of cuddles in a week. It's cute. But your feelings are still valid. You need some cuddles each day too.
Your not being crazy, I was stupid and somehow let my MIL show up a few days before I have birth because my mom was coming in then.. my MIL showed up a day before my own mother 😡 my mom is not very pushy and I feel like my MIL pushed her way into this and tried to push the baby out of my moms hands into her own hands!! It was a week of hell after I gave birth I was so depressed and trying to bond with my newborn and my MIL would take the baby out of the crib every chance she got. She is a nice lady but i definitely have some resentment after all of it.. I wish I would have spoken up more and just hid in my room with my baby that whole week. I did make her leave a few days early cause I couldn’t handle it
I understand how you are feeling. My MIL was like that with my first. She didn’t want to give her back and would just hold her for hours. We left to run errands and came back to her in new clothes because she peed through her diapers and my MIL didn’t know her diaper was wet cause she didn’t cry.. she’s 1 week old what do you mean?? She’s coming to help when our second comes and we’re both dreading how it’s gonna be.
@Ella she is only about a 5 hour drive so it’s not really a year of cuddles haha although she did make it seem originally that she would be traveling and busy the next two months so it would be the only visit until after holidays (or around the holidays) BUUT THEN she just started talking last night about coming in two weeks again 🤦🏽♀️😵💫 I almost about lost it cause I only really have weekends off with my husband and i rather just it be us 😭 because my SIL (who i absolutely hate) is coming next weekend and irs like ok three weekend in a row is too much.
Can your husband speak to them and say we need a break from visiting? Or at least say like 3 days max visiting? Someone else already said this but yeah might be time for him to step up. I’m not sure how they are…but is your mil oblivious to how she’s acting? Or is this on purpose? Maybe having their own kid telling they’re being a lot might help hahaha
It's your baby and you want to bond with him. There is nothing wrong with that. I understand she is only there for a week but that doesn't mean she gets to monopolize the baby. Unfortunately the only solution to this is for you to speak up. When she offers, just politely decline. And in a situation like the apple picking incident, you should politely insist she goes with them and tell them that you would like to spend some quality time with just you and the baby. She can't respect your boundaries if you don't tell her what they are. You got this 👍🏽
@Raquel yeah I think I’m going to say something to him when they leave. I honestly don’t think he notices because he encourages her to hold him and I think he thinks he is giving me a break and being helpful and of course it’s nice but it’s just getting to the point not of being excessive. We were going to this fire truck event today with my toddler and i was gunna bring baby and baby wear and she insisted like 3 times she could just stay back at the house and watch him while we all go (which is the same thing she did the other day) it’s like no i just want my baby but i want to spend time with my toddler too!
100% understand!! I would tell your husband like yes it’s a break but it’s to the point where I don’t get to hold him!! What would give me a break is if she did the chores or whatever and I could hold my baby! I want both my kids together and I want to baby wear my child 🤦🏾♀️ I’m so sorry!!!
Honestly, I understand, but at the same time, it’s just a week and I’m sure they’re so excited. My MIL lives 30-40 mins away and she drove down here just to hold him for an hour lollll! I totally get being overstimmed AND wanting the alone time. For the sake of your sanity don’t be afraid to say no or reject the holding and also don’t be ashamed to just let it happen while it’s available. It’s a balancing act of appreciation and not losing your shit. I totally empathize.
Yeah, you need to say no to the next visit then
@Ella yeah i tried to talk to my husband finally yesterday during lunch since we were without his parents and i tried to explain that i didn’t really want them coming in 2 weeks only since it was 3 weeks in a row of his family visiting and i rather just be us and he didn’t see my side because all he said was “well it’s only 2 days and it’s not like we are going to do anything anyways” but it’s like yeah even to just chill as a family on the weekend as we continue to live sorta in a survival mode would be nice too 🤦🏽♀️ then his mom mentioned coming in two weeks last night and i panicked and said ok because idk how to say no to her face lol ugh!!!!!
@Pamela Noelle yeah :/ it’s just frustrating not to have a single weekend to ourselves for a bit. His sister (who he isn’t even close with) is coming down for some drinking event next weekend so she asked to visit to see baby so she’s coming next weekend and then his parents just decided to come back now again in two weeks for the following weekend so 3 weekends in a row of his family now and i want to scream (but also too scared to say no and come off like a b*tch 😖) when weekends are the only time my husband is off work to just be our family. Buuuut it also feels like a double standard now since my parents have been over alot. But it’s almost like i don’t want them either lol i truly want to just be alone for awhile so i can BF in peace on my couch and not be subject to my bedroom all the time! 😩
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Don’t be ashamed to say that.. “maybe we can push the visits to another 2-3 weeks out, so I can have some private downtime” if they think you’re a bitch so be it… but advocate for yourself (as someone who doesn’t), my BF has been such a gem in advocating for me, but if he won’t do it for yourself! It’s ok to say no, especially for your mental health!
You can breastfeed in front of family. You don't have to go hide away ❤️ It's a bit late if you've said yes. But you just need to find a way to explain it to your husband. Like "I know you don't feel the same way about having family over. It is nice to have help. But I also need some time with no visitors, including my parents and yours. It's overwhelming for me having visitors every weekend and it's not making me feel supported. I need for us to mark out the (whatever weekend follows the visits you've agreed to) to have no visitors. Even if you don't feel the same, can you please believe me that's what I need".
Honestly I get this and it's what lead to me realizing I probably had post partum anxiety. I couldn't figure out if I wanted people around to help or not because I got so fucking overwhelmed when anyone took over and did anything for my second son. It made me feel like I was crazy tbh. Like I appreciated it but at the same time was like nah leave me alone and give me my baby. It all eventually calmed down for me but I did have to start speaking up. I know she's only there for a short time but the newborn stage is so short and you need that time with your baby. Your feelings are absolutely valid.