Ladies, I think am a horrible host. Should I?

I would gladly let her feed them kids veggies and bean soup, let her do the dishes if that makes her happy, let her feed the kids…LET HER be a grandma🤷🏽‍♀️. I know it’s not easy for you but a few more days won’t kill. Next time when she is in the kitchen doing dishes start a conversation with her and show her that you are happy she is helping.

Letting her wash the dishes is a waste of water and doesn’t sanitize the dishes. Just tell her that.

I don’t think you’re necessarily being very sensitive to her cultural differences. She seems like she’s making efforts to be a good guests (the dishes are a gesture, I’d say take it for what it is). Maybe just be curious? Ask and find out what she likes to do, what she approves of, what she doesn’t like, her tips and tricks, things she wants to do with her grandkids, things she wishes would be passed down to them, etc. You can take and leave what you want but it’s about getting to know her. I agree with @Princes saying to let her be grandma. She’s visiting, doesn’t get to see them much, and is honestly probably feeling some hostility from you as irritation tends to be felt whether someone is trying to make it obvious or not. I don’t say this to be condescending in any way but sometimes the best thing to do is simply put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Also call her for meals for sure, she asked you to and it may be expected/basic manners where she’s from.

I wouldn’t say you’re a bad host but it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to get to know her much. You put faith in “” and as someone who is religion myself and doesn’t partake in Halloween, I find that offensive. If your sentence here gives that’s vibe, I could imagine your body language and reaction to that situation in real time was probably off-putting to her. I’d strong advise you to get to know and understand her better. She’s probably reserved because you don’t accept her and if you do, you need to make that more known to her.

I think everyone here is being a little harsh 🥲. My advice would be to talk to your husband and see how maybe you can interact and communicate effectively with her in regard to the language barrier. They’re your kids and it’s your home. You shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable. So as I said have a discussion with hubby and go from there 😊😊

Is this her first time visiting? The situation sounds very similar to my MIL. I have to remember that when she comes she is wildly out of her comfort zone and the gust room is sort of a sanctuary where she can feel like herself. It has improved with each time she visits though as she gets a bit more comfortable

In my very honest opinion you’re being a bit petty. She’s only there for a few months so why not let her feed the kids, wash the dishes etc? It won’t last forever. That’s also a very nice gesture of her, even if you do have a dish washer. If that’s her religion and beliefs you just have to be considerate and respectful. I don’t believe she waits for you guys to call her for breakfast, dinner etc to be rude or anything, but more because she’s reserved and she’s not in her house so prob doesn’t feel fully comfortable going and grabbing stuff from the fridge all the time, I personally wouldn’t too. If she replies with a polite face and smile, that would be a good enough reason for me to try to “bond” with her, or at least understand her better.

There are lots of religions that don’t celebrate Halloween and none of them are because their followers aren’t allowed mundane activities 😬

What does your husband do to facilitate her comfort and help to ingratiate her into the home and with you? Largely, I think this sits with him. I can completely understand her not going and taking food willy nilly as for most people, myself included, id not do this in someone's home. This can be seen as rude, especially if there is a language barrier and she can't say what she is doing or ask if that particular food/drink is OK to take, it can come down to upbringing too, in terms of manners around that. Has she ever hosted you at her home? Did she make sure you were fed at every meal and have set meal times? Wanted for nothing? This can be petty typical in many cultures and for the older generations as part of expected hosting. She is a guest in your home and I do think it's your job to make her feel more comfortable, like announcing meal times. That doesn't seem difficult to do, so why not?

She seems to want to be kind with smiling and washing up, so I'd take her good intentions over the annoyance of her actions that you don't understand. When there is culture clash, that's what we need to look for first imo

So my MIL always insists on doing the dishes even though we have a dishwasher. I think she’s never used a dishwasher before and she just wants to be helpful. She is also quite worried about being in the way or doing something in a way I won’t like it, so maybe your MIL has a bit of that going on too? Also I will say as someone living in a remote village where I don’t speak the language, I spend most of my time at social gatherings smiling and not saying anything because I just feel awkward that I can’t say or understand much. Maybe try and get her a bit more involved like after a meal ask if she wants to play with the kids or read to them (is there a way to get books in her language if you don’t already have them?) it’s one thing to not be able to communicate with other adults but you should want her to be able to communicate with the kids and teach them some of her language if she can?

You’ll be amazed at things you can do together not speaking the same language 😂 my MIL and me manage to cook together and do things around the house. I know it’s not always smooth and there and plenty of misunderstandings but you kinda have to throw yourself into it because it’s not going to change she’s always going to be your MIL x

We speak the same language. But the kids even though they understand haitian creole, they refuse to speak it.

She probably doesn’t really know how else to help, so maybe doing the washing up makes her feel useful. Just thank her for this. It’s not up to her what you feed the kids though. If she offers to cook sometimes, then great she can decide what to serve and it’s nice to learn about grandmas culture, but no in general it’s up to you! I get how you feel, it must be quite frustrating not knowing how to connect with her but also having her just there 😅 maybe your husband can help the kids ask her questions about her country so they can get to know eachother a little bit? Might help to make things less awkward xx

@Kassidi i know. But that is what she is probably thinking. Sitting in a decorated room with her grandkids is not appropriate. They were very surprised when she left.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 is you MIL Haitian?

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 well now you’re making assumptions and it definitely sounds like you have some hostility against this woman. In many religions they don’t even want to be around Halloween decorations because it invites evil spirits. Of course the kids were surprised when she left, they don’t understand why. You have to explain Halloween is not acceptable in some religions and we respect that (although it sounds like you don’t)

What do you mean by mundane activities? Never heard the phrase in this context before?

I just think some religious people are the least open-minded people. And that she should trust me when I say, this is not an evil place. We will just sit and watxh a moovie with the kids. It was Inside out 2 by the way.

@Sorrel i used this to translate what she said in haitian creole. It is the closest translation I can find.

@Franny yes. And I am Haitian too. But a very open minded spiritual one. Not closed minded religious. My husband is the same way. Can you imagine, her room had some beautiful paintings, and she asked me to remove all of them. 😒

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 ah ok. I know some religious people aren’t fans of Halloween just hadn’t heard that phrase before. Thanks

@Rhiannon it is a generational gap I think. I am just horrible at hosting. I need to step up my game. My husband works from home. So he makes sure to help her feel at ease during the week. But weekend is for me. I am going to try harder. When we used to visit her in Haiti she made sure her servant set the table for us. But we do not have servants in the US. I DO NOT EVEN SERVE MY HUSBAND REGULARLY like the culture expect of me. We serve ourselves or we make ourselves sandwiches or cereals whenever we feel like. For dinners on sundays we sit together as a family and have a feast. I was hoping she would understand that and learn to make her own breakfast or lunch sometimes.

I don't know she sounds ideal to me 🤷🏾‍♀️ i understand the Halloween stuff im the same im Christian so no Halloween etc. I would encourage her to talk to the kids in her language so the can learn. The basics at least. Id offer to let her cook too. Let her be in her element

@💚Niecey🇯🇲🇧🇧 i did and she does once in a while. Today I told the kids we are playing a game. Only Haitian creole day. If you cannot say something ask mom or dad to teach you. I promised a prize at the end of the day for effort.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 thats agreat game maybe play it once a week or for a. Hour each day and let the rewards be stickers to be added in to a chart 🤷🏾‍♀️ let her cook every few days get more involved with her she will notice yoyr effort and start to relax

I mean MIL could be more respectful of what you’re feeding YOUR kids but I think her washing dishes, trying to help feed the kids is her trying to be polite and in my fam that would be a very appreciated. Maybe she feels disconnected from language barrier and doesn’t know how to interact with kids in general? She should try to connect with them more, but I think you should call her to eat if there’s not much you two interact from there’s that🤷‍♀️ you’re not a bad host, it sounds difficult in itself

Idk I always cook or order takeout food for my guest when they’re over. I serve them breakfast/lunch/dinner but they’re also aware that there’s stuff in the fridge/freezer & they can help themselves. But at the same time, she shouldn’t be telling you what to feed your kids. Suggesting vegetables is fine. My mil is Jehovah’s Witness & doesn’t celebrate holidays, but we most certainly do. We decorate & she usually doesn’t come over during those months 😉 lol life hack

You are a horrible host. Everything she does seem to be an issue for you. Number 1, your kids are OLD, they definitely know how to feed themselves so even if grandma feeds them, what difference is it gonna make? They now gonna unlearn how to feed themselves? Let her be a grandma! The dishes, come on. Why are you even complaining? She’s washing them cos she wants to, I’m pretty sure she’s bored has nothing to do so the dishes is nothing at all just passing time . The Halloween stuff, why must she stay in a space that’s against her religion? It’s not like she told you to NOT celebrate Halloween she simply removed herself without imposing her beliefs on u so why u want to impose yours on her?

It sounds like she is willing and actually wants to help out! I would show interest in her culture- maybe she’d like to teach you some recipes of hers? you can bond a little by doing some of the grocery shopping and cooking together! it would probably be nice for her to have some meals she is used to.

The vegetables part, come on.. Since she’s the one who suggested it, why not ask her if she’d like to cook those healthy meals for the kids? Invite the kids to the kitchen to cook the Haitian dishes with their grandma? They’ll bond and have these memories for life. Not everything should be an issue hey. Learn to find joy in simple things instead of being all STRICT and complaining about every little thing.

I would happily let my kids grandma do all of this.

@Lydia her culture is actually my culture too. I just do not impose the same type of meal everyday on my very americanized kids. She thinks the kids should eat her type of healthy everyday. Not just every other day. We make sure she has her favorite dishes everyday. And we have cooked together a few times.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 U don’t like your MIL and u are looking down on ur own culture. What do you mean your kids are Americanized? This is not a flex girl.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 hmmm maybe some outdoor activities then to get her out of her room! but I would let her help with whatever as long as it’s not imposing on what your comfortable with. she’s probably just a little bored if anything and showing that you trust her to help and are grateful for her help would go a long way! when a family member stays with us I usually make them a welcome basket for their room or buy them flowers, write them a card and plan a couple activities each week so they know what we’ll be doing 🙂 and if I trust them, I may even ask that they babysit so hubby and I can do date night!

Sounds like you have your opinions on her close mindedness and it’s showing with you being the host. She’s not trying to impose her beliefs so she is removing herself from the situation. Seeing that it is your culture as well I don’t see why you wouldn’t think to make some changes, within reason when she is visiting. That’s how we respect the culture. You cannot assume someone of an older age to just accept and change because you don’t agree. Sounds like she’s trying to be a good guest by staying away from a situation that she may say something you don’t like. And I really don’t understand how you are upset about the veggies. You really think it’s appropriate to feed them those meals every other day? 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Om by liking my culture, you mean I should eat Haitian food every day? Lol. Your comment is ridiculous and mean. I am raising kids who eat different lunches at public school everyday, they are watching American movies. They know who they are and yes they are both American and Haitian. That does not mean I should shove down rice and beans and stewed vegetables down their throat every day. I also know who I am and I am a citizen of the world. I value my heritage but I keep an open heart and open mind. And I certainly do not write hurtful comments to any mother who are trying their best here on peanut. So back off.

@Lydia the only outdoor activity she likes we make sure that she goes, it is the Haitian church. She goes 2 times a week. We do not do date nights much. But we might when the kids get older. Thanks.

@Sasha I do think those meals are great. But I do not want her to be all judgy and say that It is bad if I treat the kids to other things every other day.

I don’t think you are a bad host- the opposite actually. And it is your kids, so you can feed them whatever you think is right, but I would not expect your MIL to change and all of a sudden stop being judgemental. I think it is very difficult for people to change at certain age unfortunately. I am worse than you, I let MIL cook everyday when visiting 😀 obviously I don’t ask them to but I am not saying no either…

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋I am also Haitian, tbh count your blessings with your MIL, cause there are some that would overstep. As for you being open minded, doesn’t mean she is, and culturally speaking Halloween isn’t something we celebrate. So i wouldn’t be bothered if she chose not to participate. I think you should try and make her feel more comfortable if anything considering that she’s not staying long. As a guest, she won’t just go in your fridge love. I understand your concern, rest assure your best bet is to give her some time.

Yeah I think being judgemental about the food is the only thing that would annoy me a bit too. I’d be happy for her to cook and they sound like great healthy meals but if it was everyday I’d feel as though she didn’t think what I was offering was good enough. Could you freeze some of her meals? Maybe this could help show you appreciate the gesture even if you don’t eat it immediately 🤷🏽‍♀️ ‘thanks so much, it’s great to have another pair of hands in the kitchen/ quick & healthy for the kids after school’ sort of thing. It would genuinely be helpful too! I get what you mean about being served too, I love when friends and family just grab something in my home as it makes me know they feel totally comfortable. (And takes some of the pressure off!) But I know some people would think this was the height of rudeness. Neither wrong, just different. I think there are a lot of positives to build on, you’re both just coming from different perspectives. Everyone needs a vent sometimes.

@Franny my dear. I do not ask her to celebrate halloween. Imagine me arriving to a library with 3 small children excited to watch a movie, and she staying out of the room and asking to sit in the car instead. The kids are confused. I had to call my husband to come pick her up.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 just explain that to the kids. This could serve as a great teaching moment. For example, my family is Seventh day Adventist, i am like you, not super religious. Neither is my husband. My family was invited to theirs for Christmas, my family went and we had to explain to my nephew why we don’t celebrate pagan holidays. My hubby and his family knows about our religion and was okay that we were just there. Differences are okay just utilize it as a teaching moment. And as for the Haitian food, i get it…. Maybe have your husband talk to her about doing other things or have him talk to her about not cooking often. It sounds likes you have a good MIL with cultural differences.

And to everyone, when I say sometimes she feeds the kids, what I meant is she sit them down and feed them spoon by spoon until they wanna throw up. I grew up with a bad relationship with food because I was forced to eat those healthy meals. Big plates of rice and beans, stewed veggies or cornmeal with avocados or porridge at night. I just want to let my kids slowly come to love them without having to force them. My oldest are 7 and 5, they do not need her to spoonfeed them.

@Sorrel girl, i understand where she’s coming from. My mom feeds my niece and nephew haitian food every day Especially rice…. Good thing my nephew loves rice, but i had to tell her that they need a diversified plate with veggies. Cause I took my nephew out to eat once and he asked for rice😂😩.

Lastly I would like to correct myself: not moundane, but mondaine. Which means worldly or fashionable.

@Cécile🍇🥐🍣🧋 She’s not judging you, but telling you the truth that u don’t want to hear. Those American food u speak of are bad, they are bad and that’s a fact. How is that judgement?

Do you best to find common ground. Compromise where you can, and hold your ground where you need to

@Om for your information I make burgers and fries from scratch with organic potatoes, and I buy lean ground turkey and lean ground beef. Frozen pizza, I sometimes even buy cauliflower pizza. I cook home cooked traditional meals at least twice a week. I currently have 3 jobs. I don't have time for all the unnecessary criticism. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. She comments on a lot of other things, even my hair.