Am I unreasonable?

My partner works nights 6 days a week and sleeps in the daytime. He probably spends an hour or 2 a day with our toddler and it's always been like this since the day my son was born 18 months ago. We don't have family or friends around to help us so everything falls on me. I could count on 1 hand the number of times I've had time by myself not working and it's always been rushed. Today I had arranged to meet with a couple of girlfriends in the city for coffee and my partner agreed because it was his day off he would come into the city with me and entertain our son while I caught up with friends. After barely an hour I was being bombarded with messages to come back because our son was out of control and he was stressing. I was made to feel like absolute poo for even wanting to see my friends. I had to leave very abruptly and it's probably the second time I've seen them since my son was born. My partner thinks I should have never arranged it for the morning and on his day off he wanted to catch up on sleep. I'm so upset about how this unfolded. I feel completely alone, unsupported and stuck. When I was visibly upset in tears he said maybe we're just not right for each other and should consider separation if I can't handle his work schedule. He is trying to obtain another position at his company that doesn't require night work but it's been difficult. The work he does is unique to this company and pays very well so he is reluctant to leave the company. I feel as though we have a very good relationship most of the time but he has these episodes of being completely selfish and I don't know how to handle it anymore. Am I unreasonable for getting upset/angry about the situation? Do I just cut him loose seeing as he keeps threatening we should break up? I'm so lost and don't know how I'd handle being a single mum. Anyone been in a similar situation and can offer some guidance?

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Do you work ? Outside of your mum duties ?

When I did night shift I couldn't function the next day no matter how much sleep I got, I didn't have kids at the, but definitely would've struggled if I had to look after a toddler. But you're partners response of pretty much saying this is how it is, if you don't like it then let's break up is a huge copout. If he agreed to look after your toddler then he should've committed and sucked it up IMO! I've been in a similar situation where my husband has a demanding job and works really long hours, so when he's got time off he doesn't have much to give. I've found after going through this twice with two kids that I can accept that I don't get much time to myself (not saying it's easy, but I remind myself that it's not forever, my time will come and I'll embrace this season), if I complain to my husband I really need understanding empathy from him. When I do get that it feels like some of the weight is lifted. My husband also never really understood how hard it actually is until he took on the full load

Continued... Took on the full load for at least a couple of days. He had to look after our toddler for a week when I was in hospital having our second baby and he said at the end of the week that he was so burnt out

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Is your son in childcare? Do u work as well?? It is not acceptable for your partner to be angry at you for trying to organise time to see friends. Socialisation is so important for our health. Does he get time to do his own thing and see his friends??

I donk think you are unreasonable. He has a hard stressful job but so do you! Expecting him to look after your toddler every morning? Yes unreasonable. But expecting him to look after his son sometimes when you can do something for yourself is something that you shouldnt even have to ask for. He should offer and deal with the situation as best as he can without bothering you. He is also a parent and you too deserve a break.

Thank you for everyone's comments. To answer the question about work - yes I work 3 days and my son is in daycare on those 3 days. I usually pick up/drop off on those days as I'm sure many other mums do. I agree I shouldn't expect everything from him with his shifts but yeah it is so frustrating I can't ever organise time for myself. I think I'll just have to accept that this is how it will be until my son grows a bit older.

@Estelle thank you for sharing this perspective. He really is like a sloth in the day, I feel bad he has to work these shifts for the family. But yeah I am sad I couldn't even get 1 hour with my friends who went out of their way to meet somewhere close to my house

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