Super Sad Mama

Sorry mamas, but I need to sad-rant. I saw two pregnancy announcements on Instagram this morning- one of a famous Instagrammer who is so pretty and has a little boy my son’s age and a dad who seems to do so much with him, and the other was the my neighbor whose son is my son’s age. I want another baby so badly. I want my son,Teddy, to be a brother and grow up with a best friend and my heart KNOWS it needs another baby. I know it would be really hard because I was so so so so sick when I was pregnant with Teddy. It would be so hard to take care of Teddy if I were pregnant. This morning I was incredibly nauseous and tired (not pregnant, I tested), and I asked my mom to watch Teddy but she was busy and I couldn’t even bring myself to ask my husband to watch him. And when I told my husband about the pregnancy announcements I saw, he said, “Yeah, but remember how bad you felt this morning? Could you do that for nine months with Teddy?” And I wanted to scream because I could do it if he were a more hands-on dad. He is such a loving dad, but more of the typical “works and makes money and helps a little with the baby” dad. (He doesn’t even sleep in the bedroom with me and my son because he mentally can’t handle all the night waking.) My period isn’t even back because I still breastfeed a ton and Teddy doesn’t want to stop and I am going to let him wean himself, but I also don’t want him to stop because I probably won’t ever get to have another baby so this is my one and only chance to breastfeed. And my husband would need to go on a medication in order for me to even try to get pregnant since he doesn’t want to go off of his TRT. I know having two children would be so difficult, but other moms do it, and I used to think I wouldn’t be able to take care of one baby, and now I can. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.