Guilt hitting hard today

This might be long, need to get it off my chest, it really just hit me today how lucky we got. We had our son last March 2023. After a miscarriage and years of TTC, I resigned myself that it would just be me and my husband. When I found out I was actually, finally pregnant with no intervention, my first thought was one of panic. I knew how quickly things could go wrong. I didn’t want to go through that again. I hated being pregnant. I had every symptom appropriate for each trimester my whole pregnancy, but it was otherwise a normal pregnancy. At my 38 week appt, my BP was really high, and after 2 seperate nights of observation, we finally decided I would be induced. Induction did not go as planned, over the course of 12 hours, I only dialted 1cm, and babies heart rate dropped with every contraction. Finally I was on the table for a c section. That went fine. But since I ended up delivering early, and had a c section, I didn’t have my milk in yet, and baby didn’t latch anyway. My PPD nurse was awful. Insisted on me breastfeeding, wasn’t willing to give me formula right away. Babies blood sugar kept dropping, bc I wasn’t producing and he wouldn’t latch. She kept threatening to send him to the NICU. Finally a different nurse gave us formula. But I was beyond upset by that point. 3 days later we’re at his newborn appt, his blood sugar is dangerously low again as well as his body temp, so we were sent to a pediatric ER (after the dr made us feel like absolute garbage parents) We spent 8 hours in that ER room with our baby under a heat lamp and feeding him every 30 minutes to try to get his blood sugar and body temp up. We weren’t prepared as parents because we didn’t anticipate him being born early, and I also attribute being unprepared to how I was feeling mentally throughout my whole pregnancy. Now 18 months later the guilt has really just hit me today, how lucky we are that our little boy is still with us. I can’t help but wonder if I had been more vocal with that nurse, or had a nurse that didn’t care about formula being given, if we would have had that experience. But I can’t help but blame myself for our little guys first few days topside being pretty terrible. If you made it this far, thank you. The guilt is really just weighing on me today, I’m certainly going to hold my son a little tighter tonight