URGENT ADVICE, WAS I IN THE WRONG?

Proof if you want him there for the baby’s life and you think he’ll be stable for the baby💕 just my personal opinion. If that’s not what you want nor think then just let him be and let him believe what he wants.

@Imunique I want him there. I'm just not sure anymore honestly.

@Imunique was I in the wrong for not telling him?

I get exactly what you’re saying💕not everyone will

@Imunique do you think I should show him proof? he'll probably not believe me regardless.

I wouldn’t say wrong. I’ve had a similar situation…Just let him decide but put you and the baby first. Just because he’s in a baby life doesn’t mean he has to be in yours more than parenting. But don’t let him make your life/pregnancy harder than it already will/has to be

I would suggest marriage counseling to begin with and see if that can help anything at all, but if you chose to divorce I would only show proof of pregnancy through a lawyer to be able to get child support so you can have that additional income to support yourself & children when they’re born.

Some men have their own dictatorship way of thinking. Just be cautious of either choice you make

If you don’t feel comfortable communicating with him, parenting with him will be very difficult because it requires a lot of communication. If you still want to continue with him and your situation, show him proof. A simple home pregnancy test or blood test will suffice. He is the father after all and he has a right to know about his unborn child and if anything happens to them.

@Astriz I have a photo of my ultrasound in my my chart, I was gonna show him it but he still won't believe me. Why show him something when he hates me, doesn't believe me at all and wants to evict me from the house?

Its not about not feeling comfortable communicating with him, it's other issues with him.

I think you should show him proof and then go to couples therapy to work on trust issues for both of you. Just to get that off your plate and to actually get to solving problems.

@Mariya when I show him proof of abs he still doesn't believe me. What to do from there, because now that's his problem.

personally if i was a man and my wife didn’t tell me about a miscarriage involving my child, i’d rightfully be furious and upset. i think he deserves to see proof of this pregnancy as that’s his child/children too. if you’re not happy you should consider leaving, but he deserves to know.

What proof does he want? Take him to your first scan if needed

I got scanned at the hospital in the ER bc I thought I was having a miscarriage, He was more than welcomed to come in the room with me and wtf but he ended up cussing me out and drove back home.. that was his fault he missed it.

I have it on my mychart the exact photo of the scan and the twins around 4/5 weeks but he still doesn't believe me. So, it is his fault that he drove back home and left me when that was me saying here's all the proof you need

I think it's okay for him to be upset, but he has to understand that you were going through loss as well. Combined with your fear of talking to him I understand why you didn't tell him. That being said, you not feeling safe to tell him is a giant red flag in my opinion. My husband is the first person I would goto with news like that. I have been in an abusive relationship in the past with a lot of similarities to how your husband is acting. It is unlikely that it will improve. I do not think this is a healthy relationship for you. The flipping back and forth between he won't get a divorce but he'll kick you out is very concerning. If you don't feel safe with him, I would get a divorce attorney and get out of that relationship.

He can still be a part of their lives without being in a relationship with you. I would also recommend documenting things that he is doing in case you need it later for divorce court. Keep a journal or email yourself with dates and examples of his behavior. If you ever feel like he is going to hurt you physically, leave the house and/or call the cops.

It seems like you hid a lot from him, the miscarriage, the D&C surgery, and the other procedures you mentioned. I am guessing he is really hurt and doesn’t trust you. But you not sharing this stuff with him seems like you don’t trust him either. Couples therapy would probably benefit you both. Also, if you can just show him a picture from your ultrasound as proof, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t? Seems easy enough. Punishing him for not coming into the ER scan with you by withholding the picture is not going to make anything better.

Do you just want support to be petty?

You were the one that stated you didn’t feel comfort communicating with him because of your abuse history. There is definitely a communication issue there amongst other issues

I think it’s odd not to tell the father of your unborn children that you had a miscarriage.

It just feels like you were hurt he didn’t go to ER with you for miscarriage, you hurt him back by withholding information about miscarriage, then he hurts you by not trusting your words about pregnancy and you again hurt him back by not showing the proof. If you want support that your being hurt is valid - it’s valid. But one of you should stop this madness.

Because it’s still his child. He has the right to know if you are pregnant. You did not create that pregnancy on your own. Some women like to make everything about themselves, but it’s about your child’s life and that is your child’s father. You chose to have unprotected sex that resulted in pregnancy even though you knew the type of person that he is and how he treats you. Unless you want to be full on petty and just disappear on him with your unborn child, but that won’t bode well if he takes you to court for custody. You’ve gotten a lot of advice, now you need to decide what you truly want to do

This sounds extremely toxic and scary. Please be careful! Bringing a child into this chaos isn’t going to be easy ! Take care of you momma! You do not need any extra stress while pregnant !

You did nothing wrong. You were protecting yourself. As far as not showing him proof because you don’t think you need to… if he’s abusive I wouldn’t stir the pot if you’re not ready to leave. You can’t punish him, he’s not hurt. These answers are scary. You are going about it in a way that makes sense to you. Even if you showed him proof he would still be an abuser I don’t think people are understanding that. Abusers can change if they choose to batters intervention programs when done WILLINGLY are immensely helpful. Therapy won’t do anything. No ethical therapist would agree to provide marriage counseling to a couple actively experiencing this. It will 100% make it WORSE that’s why it’s not recommended. Leaving in the most dangerous time. Safety plan make sure you do it with a safe person or an advocate. Safety plan ahead of time always. Don’t do anything that may escalate abuse

All I've learned from therapy is that the only person you can control is yourself. His reactions are not for you to control. So how do you wanna move forward for yourself? So you wanna work on it with him? Then demand couples therapy? Do you want him out of your life completely? Then demand a divorce. It takes two to make a baby and have a relationship. You can still be coparents and be separate if it works for you. But find something that works for YOU because that is all you have control over.

At least get therapy for yourself so you can forage a plan of action for yourself and move forward with leaving him

@Shereen I just got off of a session with my therapist, I see her again tomorrow. I'm trying to come up with a plan to leave, trust me I just don't know if I should show him proof because I'm pregnant again NC He won't believe me, so why to waste my time if I show proof.. the situation can end up a lot worse or backfire on me.

All I can say here is leave. As soon as possible! Placate him and tell him you will take him to your next scan, bit be gone by then. For those saying couples therapy to work on issues, THERAPY DOESNT STOP ABUSE! It just makes them better at hiding it! Get out now !

All I can say here is leave. As soon as possible! Placate him and tell him you will take him to your next scan, bit be gone by then. For those saying couples therapy to work on issues, THERAPY DOESNT STOP ABUSE! It just makes them better at hiding it! Get out now !

I don't want to take him to my next, he's abusive. I don't want him around me. I'll show him proof and shut him the fuck up but honestly, he's lost the right to be involved with me during scans and everything else.

I texted his mom and told his mom that we were getting a divorce and that it was lovely knowing her and simply for her to god bless and take care.

Aside from messaging her now that you’ve decided on divorce I would let your lawyer be the communicator between you and him/his family. I’ve heard divorces can get messy even if you try to leave on good terms with the spouse or their family especially with children involved even though your twins aren’t born yet.

I am in the process of messaging his mom, I never sent it.. do I or just forget about sending her a message?

How do I even tell him over text about the proof, this is what I sent him.. tell me what yalk think or how yall would say it or is it fine?

Here is proof of the pregnancy, Straight from my my chart where I can view X-rays, ultrasounds, etc. Here's the link to the actual place of the chart if you don't believe me. My name on it and everything, straight from the chart.. can't fake that bluntly. There's your reassurance with that. Here's the my chart link to the website so you know it is real: https://imageconnectuniview.hhchealth.org/uniview/#/patient/PczRCcUwCAXQVd4CwlVjovBmKZjE7j9CA4X-Hw7WjtmjKFFC5czkrI0Ag3U31JaLoY4h_LNKLr2P6QNU8er5aRtLLwFYnDHaX9Luljap0oKKj89zHM-1QrcaxgM1/image/BcGBDYAwDAOwiyqlKRnbB7sCqUD4_wTsvQkWRGKMOS9a39G6w60VzsxouQNIP6veEs4f0?layout=1x1&series1=2_sGk9XocqhB4frx1hZr89sXrCJCMDPWp00q4DlXa2Y1~7fe6KlccbJPUH9KHM2SEl73eOkkqOSMxpXob-Petnkk1 There's your reassurance/proof, etc. Here's a picture, the two little dots are the twins early on, growing, I'm 4/5 weeks pregnant.. if you zoom in on what I circled and pointed so you can see the inside of what I'm talking about, you'll see them. let me know what you want to do..

That's the message I'm going to send him, is it too much?

You’re pregnant with twins again !?

I personally would simplify the message. Here's a link to my chart with the details of the pregnancy. I'm 4/5 weeks so it's very small. Clear and concise and if he doesn't believe it then it's not your job to convince him

@Stephanie yep

@Stephanie I second this message. You don't need to add additional info or feelings into it. Try to be as emotionally removed from any conversation. I personally wouldn't communicate directly with them. And once you leave do not tell them where you are.

@Rebecca Will do, Doing it now.

Ya make sure you have somewhere safe or someone safe that won’t disclose your whereabouts and do not tell them where incase his abuse does become violent because of you leaving. Not to cause any paranoia but also if you’ve shared any location services like iPhone find my friends turn those off cause they can use it to find you.

@Natalie Will do that, I don't have an iPhone, but I also have my phone - He does pay for it. I'll schedule send him the message at a time so when it gets sent through, I'm already sleeping. I have no friends, so that's one thing for me to not worry about. He's home everyday, he dosent work.. so I just have to find a way to leave.

If you can I would maybe look into getting your own plan after you leave so he can’t shut off your service since he’s paying for it currently. Hope you can find a way to leave safely! 🙏🏻

My bad, he doesn't pay for it. I have My service, I've had it way before I met him. I just am trying to find a way to leave safely, thank you!

Once he knows for sure that you're pregnant, he will try to get rights, and if he's abusive and has the money to take your child, then he will try. It's probably best to just divorce your abuser and keep the child out of it. As a kid, my parents spent 10 years going to court over me and my brother. It was traumatizing.

@Cass I sent him legitimate proof that I am pregnant.