Currently 15 weeks

Hi, I haven’t seen a lot of cases in the UK so haven’t been able to find anyone to talk to… I just wanted to find somewhere I feel I can be heard without having to explain the diagnosis and have my thoughts and feelings understood rather than the same old “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” and then feeling like I can’t actually talk about it because I don’t want to burden people with it if that makes sense? So in March of this year we lost my partners 13 year old sister. She was one of my best little buddies and she always just called me her sister and she was mine. A couple of weeks after the funeral we found out we were pregnant which lined up almost exactly with her passing, so we thought oh wow this is a sign from her this is her giving us what we need right now… this was right after my missing engagement ring also miraculously appeared after weeks of being missing. But a few weeks in at our dating scan where we were 11 weeks and 3 days while we were laughing and joking about how wriggly and humorous our baby’s movements were (opposite to our daughter who just refused to move) the woman was just silent, she asked to do an internal scan and I agreed, she then left the room to go and talk to someone and when she came back she had another look and just looked mortified, all I remember her saying is “I’m so sorry” over and over while I felt my smile completely disappear… they took us to a room where we waited for around an hour wandering what was going on. When they came to talk to us they explained they were sure our baby had Semilobar HPE and that we were getting referred to a specialist. We were so taken back but we knew that could give us an alright amount of time with our baby and they said they were certain of what it was. So after a stressful appointment another scan both external and internal more conversing happened between some doctors. We were asked to wait again for what felt like an eternity only to be informed our baby has Anencephaly. We haven’t felt right since… my partner has absolutely no idea how to feel having just lost his sister and nan (I didn’t know her) then to be told he’s definitely going to lose his child all in the same year… his only question to the doctor after I’d asked just about everything there is to ask was if I would be okay. When they asked if we wanted continue with the pregnancy or terminate I had no hesitation that I’m holding this child as long as I can. No one knows what to say but I keep being told I’m dealing with it really well… in reality some of my friends are pregnant themselves, one of which went almost my whole last pregnancy at the same stages and it’s the same this time so I’m seeing theirs as absolute miracles and making sure they know I’m happy for them and will still help them with whatever they need and making sure my partner doesn’t see how much this is affecting me because I just can’t add more to what he’s going through, but sometimes I just burst and I get so angry for a few minutes and can’t stop shouting and crying about whatever at the time… We’ve chosen a name for if they’re a girl but if they’re a boy we have absolutely no idea, everyone thinks girl though and I really love the name so just thinking of names has given us a sense of normality, I just don’t know if I want to announce our pregnancy or not, I don’t want to feel like we have some secret but at the same time I just don’t know if people will just see the condition and not our baby themselves… There’s just so many questions and thoughts and just plain confusions.