Feeling burnt out and neglected
I (21f) am a stay at home mom. My boyfriend (23m) likes to come home and play video games to relax at the end of the workday and before we had a baby it was okay. He would play his games and I would crochet or draw and we would put on a show and even though we were doing our own things I still felt connected and like we were spending quality time together. But since the baby has come he has been next to no help. He has changed maybe 6 diapers and done 2 feedings in almost 5 months. He only holds her when I ask which is usually only so I can go to the bathroom or cook dinner and when he does hold her he'll entertain her for a while but once she starts crying he just gives up and doesn't try anything to calm her down except patting her on the back. Then I just have to listen to her scream while I'm trying to get done whatever I'm doing and when she's screaming like that I'm just in a constant state of fight or flight.
When he's not holding her he's playing games with his friends and I'm left alone with the baby. I understand that it's his way of relaxing and enjoying his time off but when do I get to relax? When do I get a break? I'm feeling so alone and worn out.
I love him and I appreciate how hard he works to support us so I feel guilty taking his break away from him but it's getting to the point where going and staying with my parents frequently crosses my mind because they are so much more helpful than he is when it comes to the baby.
I know I just need to have a discussion with him but I don't know how to bring it up without making it seem like I don't appreciate the things he is actually doing.
I just feel so tired. I want to have something to look forward to again. I just want a break.
How should I bring this up with him?
Show your support
If you split parenting, household needs, (not just cooking and cleaning but maintenance, errands, budgeting, and appointments all count as household needs) then you both get an equal amount of time to have jobs, be great parents, be responsible adults, and yes, even relax! If you feel that he “doesn’t know” how to care for the baby, sign him up for parenting classes. Most hospitals offer them for a minimal fee. If he SAYS that he doesn’t know how to take care of the baby, then that’s simply willful ignorance. You are equals in your relationship. Make sure that both of you never forget that. Wish I had heard this advice when I was your age and it would have saved me a lot of pain.
So, yes he has a job that brings in money to support your family economically so you can afford groceries and rent. But you are also supporting your family economically by being home. Because you stay home with baby, you don’t have to pay for childcare, which can sometimes cost more per month than an entire line of income for a month. What you do is real work that contributes to the financial stability of your family, just like his. He however has a set amount of hours where he works his job and then has a set amount of free time. As you are contributing economically just like he is, you are entitled to that set work time / free time ratio that he has which makes you entitled to just as much decompression time as he gets. Childcare is your job right now, but being a parent outside of your work hours is both of your equal responsibility just like care for the house should be both of your responsibility.