Advice on custody arrangement

My husband has a court order but bm is always switching the schedule . We try to compromise for the best interests of the child but she never holds her word so we end up missing out on time with sd. It’s become more frequent to the point that if we don’t switch up then we’re the worst people alive . My husband wants to get a lawyer but I’m not sure exactly what that would do ? I feel like a court order is alreadt a legal entitlement to your child . If he’s not holding her accountable of course she’s going to continue to get her way . Does a lawyer just reinforce the court order ? I don’t feel swayed into getting a lawyer because of costs but if husband doesn’t follow the court order I think it’s all a waste of time …

Show your support

If there is a standing court order that she isn’t abiding by, then she’s in contempt of court and needs to be taken to court for enforcement. Keep any and all communication in text if possible. Check to see if you’re a 1 party state. If so, you can record all your phone conversations with her without her knowledge or permission. These are admissible in court. However, if you’re wanting to try and avoid court, print out a copy of the court order. Highlight all of his court mandated time that’s allotted to him as written in the order and give it to her. When he does, he needs to tell her that he has been more than accommodating, but from this point further she needs to abide by the order as well. I’d secretly record this interaction. If, you think this would too much of a confrontational situation, then try getting a digital copy or scan it and send it to her in an email or text. She’s going to continue to push the envelope, of he allows her to do so.

If after that she doesn’t allow him to see her, then it’s time for an attorney. This is a type of parental alienation. Make sure you have your ducks in a row. I’m a paralegal and bonus mom and I went through this, but way way worse with my husbands ex and our kids. The family court system is really skewed and you need to advocate for your family. Log all your interactions. Make sure you’re available for your times and calls. Build the case against her and it’ll really help hold her accountable in court if it gets that far.

If she’s not abiding by the order she’s in contempt. You can file that against her without a lawyer especially with proof. To me it seems like your husband doesn’t want to be the bad guy so getting a lawyer makes it so he doesn’t have to be. “It wasn’t me who filed against you it was the lawyer.”

@Becky yea that’s what I say that he has rights but he’s not enforcing it because he doesn’t want to ruin bm’s image in front of their daughter but then we always end up looking like the bad guys . Bm then manipulates her thoughts into thinking that we’re so unreasonable for wanting to see her after bm didn’t follow schedule . So sd just hates us . It’s all so toxic . Idk what to do

@Alyson I agree I think him trying to play nice or always compromise has dont more damage then good

Well the only one who’s ruining her image is herself. I don’t know how old your SD is, but if she’s old enough to have the conversation, I’d try sitting her down and asking her how she feels about the situation. What’s her perspective of what’s going on. Is she upset cause she doesn’t get to see him/yall? Is she upset at the back and forth? Etc. Then I’d explain how yall want to see her and be there for her. Obviously don’t say negative things about her mother and it keep it as neutral as possible. And again, when/if the time comes where she questions what’s happened in regards to this, having everything in text, email, recordings, shows the truth and what role yall really had.

@Becky she’s going to be 12 next month . To be honest I think everything has been catered to her convenience her whole life so now if we dont agree to whatever bm wants she thinks we’re being mean . She is open about not wanting to live with us because we have rules and when she’s at her mom’s all is fair game but that’s another story. She’s never looked for us or asked for us because she’s used to us not doing anything without her . We’ve been living our lives waiting on when she comes over (every holiday and birthday) so she doesn’t see the sacrifices and efforts we make into being able to include her . She thinks of it as a standard. So when bm makes plans on our time she hates us because she’s going “to miss out “. But she’s never felt that she was gonna miss out with us because we stop all plans on a whim and reschedule (all of my husbands family)

So now sd thinks she can just pick and choose when she wants to come over . She only wants to come over if we have something “fun” for her . Other than that she would 90% of the time just skip out on “our time” . It’s heartbreaking.

Definitely time to have a heart ti heart/come to Jesus talk with her.

@Becky do you have any suggestions on how to approach ? I feel like no matter how sincere we try to come across she doesn’t understand because she’s so used to dad’s side stopping everything to accommodate her that she feels attacked when things don’t go her way ..