Massive fight with MIL who doesn’t respect postpartum boundaries
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She’s selfish and manipulative. Hold on ‘cultural’ - now that’s sounding racist and she doesn’t care about you. If she carries on she won’t be welcomed at all!
I’m really sorry you went through this. The fact that she called you cruel and selfish for setting VERY healthy boundaries for a few weeks is unbelievable. You are absolutely not in the wrong here, she’s obviously excited about ‘her’ grandchild and showing them off more than your recovery. I’d pay close attention to who you let around you during that time as they can truly make things much worse. The guilt of not allowing them initial access is much easier than the grief they bring.
Both my mum and MIL turned up from 4 hours away before I was even home from hospital. It was too much for me at that point, I wish I had made them wait a day or two more. But, don’t underestimate how much joy your baby will bring to the grandmothers and how excited your MIL is to meet them too. Sounds like she’s been insensitive and rude, but I think making her wait several weeks to meet her grandchild is a little extreme, could you just limit the visit time to 1 hour for the first couple of weeks?
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about doing what you feel is right for you and your baby. Honestly, this is just the beginning of having to set boundaries and making your feelings and preferences known regarding your baby/child, even if others don’t agree with it or even oppose it. It can be hard, especially when there’s confrontation or disagreement, but your word is final.
It’s your baby and your recovery. Also, remind her baby doesn’t have an immune system and won’t until vaccines (if that is your plan). So too many visitors in your space is actually dangerous for baby. Everybody in my family showed up all weekend in hospital and when we came home. I was exhausted because they just wanted to see my son and didn’t do much else, except my mom. 1 week in, found out my siblings were exposed to Covid and had already been holding the baby. Luckily he was fine, but I should have been more careful even around family. At the very least if they come, make them wash their hands and wear masks or they don’t hold him or come at all.
MIL sounds selfish to me and clearly doesn’t care about you or how you feel
Tell her to shove a sock in it. Also voice your wants and needs to your man and ensure he is your personal advocate. This is his time to step up and ensure mum and baby are safe, physically and mentally.
My in-laws showed up unannounced at 10am the morning after the night I got home from hospital. I appreciate their excitement but I really wish they'd given me a warning, even just a hour. I felt that it did impact my recovery on that day (I'd had low blood pressure my who pregnancy and my legs became so swollen that day). Good for you speaking up. Keep your boundaries and ask your partner to speak with her - she's his Mum. Everyone can wait a little longer to meet the little one - and as you say, if you feel up to it, you'll let people know you're up for a visit x
It would certainly make up my mind that she would not be invited round for a good while until you feel ready. Don’t change your plans - you’re entitled to do as you wish. Does your husband support you x
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. This is not about her and your child is not here to bond with her or fulfil whatever wishes she might have. Take as much time as you need to adjust, recover and bond with your baby. That’s what’s really important. And be firm on those boundaries.
Your husband should put her in her place. How dare he let her talk to you like that!
SHE is selfish and she is gaslighting you to get her way. Stand strong - Ive said the same thing to my MIL who wanted to stay at our house to bond with the baby as soon as we’re home - I said no and that was the end of it. Its not all about the baby once you come home, you’ll have just been through a massive thing and your body/mind needs time. Dont let selfish, manipulative people control your experience xx
Also I second the comment about your husband stepping in, make sure you’re a team x
Tell her she’s no longer welcome until at least 6 weeks pp. if she says anything just add another week each time
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Say to her ‘yes I am selfish when it comes to my baby and my recovery.’
25 weeks might feel early but it’s actually really good to be having these conversations now. It means hopefully by the time baby arrives you are all on the same page. We have the opposite cultural debate where my in laws are Asian so it’s very normal for them to practically move in for a birth. So we’ve spent a lot of time talking about boundaries and expectations. Although initially it sounds like they felt like your mil they are now much more understanding and we have framed it as setting up the best experience for me, dad and baby and they get that. We also had advice from a pediatric specialist in the family who said to avoid people if possible for at least the first 4 days for baby’s immune system and bonding. So that might help. You can always ask - what’s more important you see the baby or baby being healthy as possible?
Tell her to slide on, your baby YOUR boundaries. She can cry at home
if she’s being so manipulative and controlling at this point , she will spoil the vibe after the delivery too. just like mine did it. she manipulated my husband and bitched about me that i’m not looking welcoming and not talking to her to share the birth story and gossips. we just came home with the baby and i can barely walk and i was so weak that i just wanted to have a nap while baby was sleeping. i was gathering my stuff so that i can rest quickly and i was in trenches literally but this lady was expecting me to walk and be active since i had a “normal delivery” she was not leaving my room and kept looking at me to talk at last i had to tell her to leave me and my baby alone for a while.
I haven't receive any visits for the first 6 weeks and it was the best decision ever. And you certainly don't want people who are so rude and dismissive on your feelings in early pp. I would just answer back that you take well note on how she feels about your decision but you took a decision and she must respect that. People who are so ready to cross your boundaries are those who needs it the most.
Im doing minimum 2 weeks no visits. Im complicated health wise and my drs have agreed it’s best. But also people I know who’ve had kids all regret not having more “new family time”. People visiting (even for a short amount of time) is exhausting and takes over the day. Mum, dad and baby should be bonding, not fussing over others! There’s also loads of evidence at first 1000 hours having loads of skin to skin and loads of mum and dad time. Who wants to do skin to skin with their MIL or great uncle there lol If people can’t wait 2 weeks… how can they stick to other boundaries. What’s 2 weeks after 9 months lol
Do what you like and don’t let anyone make you feel like that. She needs to watch her mouth and respect your choice end of. People are so entitled honestly.
I’m white british. My partner is white British. We said way before our baby was born that we wouldn’t be having visitors for at least a week and certainly won’t be having visitors at the hospital and when we do they will have strict rules they would have to follow to be able to see baby. Your baby is brand new in this world. You need to be limiting the amount of germs they are exposed to. You need to be comfortable and considering how you recover. No one knows how your birth is going to go. I would say always lay out strict rules and if you feel better once baby is here, you can cut back on them. It’s easier that way than the other!
I don’t understand the reasoning behind not having people round personally. I wanted the more the merrier and I had an emergency section with a 5 week prem baby 🤷🏻♀️ but again everyone is entitled to do what they please and everyone should respect everyone’s choices x
Yes don’t listen to her!!! You have every right to all the time and space you need after this life altering event.
IMO your husband should step in and put an end to that. When it comes to in-laws disrespecting spouses, I’m out and he can handle that
She’s seem to be the selfish one. Please take as much time you can, it is very important for you and your baby.Never mind her.
All such helpful advice ladies! It’s been a real struggle, but luckily hubby is on-side and we’re going to find another way to communicate to her our boundaries as a new family. Thanks for all the input!
your husband needs to be the one to step in and talk with his mom. my fiance and i had both agreed that we would deal with our families respectively whenever it came to an issue that needs to be addressed. it just makes it easier on everyone especially yourselves so the families dont vilify one of you for setting boundaries.
She can ram her thoughts up her bum. This is YOUR baby, YOUR birth, YOUR home. She has no right to tell you what to do and when she can visit. Get your partner to but their foot down and support you.