Wenting out

I am just writing this to release stress. Sometimes I feel I can’t take it anymore. I have a husband, with whom I’ve been married for 11 years (12 years together) and a 4 month old child. We moved from another country 8 years ago. When we met in another country I had US passport through my dad, so moving here was no hustle at all. My husband is a very strict person, and I wanted a child so much. And when I had 30 birthday I really had a lot of conversations and for him to agree he made me promise that I will be the one who is responsible for the child and of I fail he will not hesitate to take my child away from me. I had a history of being forgetful sometimes (I am not sure what is the issue, I am trying to work on it). I agreed. So I got pregnant and it was ok more or less. He was with me in the room during delivery (which he didn’t want to do, but he couldn’t walk out because nurses kind of pushed on him to stay). He didn’t want to hold the child ever saying he is afraid to break him, so I woke up every time and took care of the child 24/7, which was very hard since child was colicky. He gave me great support by cooking, washing dishes and doing laundry. But he gave me such a hard time emotionally saying that other women are capable of doing everything besides the child and I’m not training the child to sleep through whatever noise properly (I was glad if he even fell asleep in my arms though). When the child needed his bath for the first time he didn’t want to let me do it alone, because I “will surely drawn the child”, because I am clumsy and stupid. Then when we did it together - the child was screaming and it was a lot of stress and when he asked me for a towel I asked what towel and he raised hand like he’s about to slap me, but didn’t (he then told me that he didn’t want to slap me and it was just a reaction for my dumbness). Now the child is 4 months old and I returned to work remotely and full time taking care of the child, so responsibility with dishes fell on him again (he usually cooked anyway, but now dishes as well). Child has a sleep regression now and is used to sleep on a mattress topper (with nothing on it) that lays on the floor and I sleep with child for him to get better sleep. I am not moving at all at night and child is freely moving and sleeps very good this way. Husband doesn’t like to turn AC on likely because of the bill (even though we make good money) and we have constant fights about that. I’m saying that 80 degrees is too hot for a child and he tells me to go to another room where it’s 77. But child already got used to fall asleep in certain place and there are no blackout curtains in the room where it’s 77. I told him that it doesn’t work like this and child can’t just fell asleep anywhere. He told me that I need to “train the child better”. Other things that upset me: “saying that I have skinny butt and belly” after pregnancy and not letting me do the bicycle because I will loose milk. Saying that I dumb and stupid every day, just throwing Tupperware on the floor because I organized them poorly. Sometimes when I come with the child to the room he said that he is specifically resting from us. He still holds baby for 30 minutes a day maximum when I have a meeting at work and can hand me baby in the middle of the meeting. When I put baby on tummy time he tells me that I’m torturing him (baby is not crying just making noises) and that I shouldn’t wait until child is unhappy on tummy to turn him over and it makes me bad mother. Also by his worlds the fact that I don’t know if I have enough milk makes me bad mother as well (I am a first time mother and it was said during the first weeks). He also recently said that he wants “somebody else” to cook, but I’m a dumb ass and I am not allowed to touch the stove because I can burn something and it will trigger alarms and hurt baby’s ears (even though he triggered alarm himself too), but I’m not keen to cook really. That’s enough stress for me. So the past week I slept about 3 hours at night because baby got seek and I got seek and today I fell asleep after feeding baby and he told me that I was supposed to go and help him cook breakfast (whatever he cooked got burned because of me because I was supposed to not let him cook tacos, knowing that he can’t deal with tortillas). And the last thing that hurts me that he is saying that I don’t have a hobby (I used to play guitar, but I don’t really have time now) and I don’t have friends, because I’m antisocial (I told him that I have anxiety talking to strangers with my palms sweating and heart beating faster, hate him using it against me). He also told me that he regret that he agreed to have child with me and that he would have never married if he met me today. What else is getting me mad that he can just walk in to the closed bedroom (I close it because I put child to bed) and start talking loud about some stupid stuff or talking about another inconvinience I caused him, like leaving comb with literally 1 hair because I clean it, at the table and what the pig am I to do that). And he is not really a clean frick, he just annoyed with my stuff around. I am really enjoying time when he is out of the house and I’m just alone with my baby. My days now really consist of work, sick clingy crying baby and fights with my husband, and a little sleep (since I’m trying to finish most of my work at night when baby sleeping). I know that’s a long post but I feel better now.