Feeling trapped

Sorry this may be a long one and I’m posting here because I don’t really have any friends I can talk to. So I’m a mama of 2 boys and currently almost 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby boy. I’ve been in a relationship with the boys dad for 12 years. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but especially in this pregnancy I feel really unhappy and distant because of how I get spoken to sometimes and it feels like I’m walking on eggshells. If I’m upset or struggling I don’t talk to him about it, any emotional support just isn’t there and I keep any emotional feelings to myself. He is the breadwinner but I still work part time just about to go on mat leave. I often think about leaving and what would life be like if for me and my boys, for one I would have to stop working and rely soly on benefits as there’s no way I could afford childcare after mat leave. Also I’ve looked around and currently where I live a 3 bedroom privately rented house is anything from £1200pcm and I would get £750pcm support from housing benefit plus around £1900 in universal credit, child benefit, council tax support etc. Council housing is out of the question with how long waiting lists are. My only other option would be to move in with my mum but it would be very cramped up, so I feel no matter how I feel and how much I want to leave I cannot see a way out so my only option would be to stay, as our relationship continues to break down and I do not want to create a toxic environment for my children. I grew up watching my parents on and off toxic relationship and those memories stick with me. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom and similar experience please feel free to share ❤️

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Personally, I think you need to listen to what you want/need long-term. No one can know and weigh your personal experiences and circumstances, but if you are truly unhappy and the relationship is toxic, you know what you will need to do.

You have a lot to consider and you have a lot going on. But consider making a plan for yourself. There are things you'll have to compromise and sacrifice but valuing yourself and having peace should not be one of those things. Not everything has to be permanent. It is okay if something doesn't work out, there are always other options.

If you would get £750 housing benefit plus £1900 and rent is likely to be £1200, wouldn't that leave you with £1450 for bills, food. Isn't that enough to get by until kids are all in school? Do you think the father would avoid any financial contributions and be able to evade child support? Even if that amount is not what you are accustomed to, I'd rather live on less than live unhappily, and like you say, you picked up on a bad parental dynamic as a kid, and you don't want that for them. X

So, a few questions: How old are your kids? Does it have to be a 3 bedroom? Does it have to be a house? Baby would end up sharing with you to start, so couldn't you go with a 2 bedroom? At least for now and then when you are working again move to a bigger place. Depending on your kids' ages, you could have years until you would need an extra room. I live in a one bedroom with my partner and our 3 year old. Is it comfortable? Not really. Is it doable though, absolutely. Also, who owns your current house? If you aren't happy, your children can sense that. They see your relationship and what is going on. Personally, I'd leave. Sorry you are going through this OP.

£2650/ month AFTER TAX is the equivalent of an extremely good wage. Plus, possibly child maintenance payments. I'm struggling to see how you would struggle to cope? It definitely isn't the block to you leaving

@Rhiannon yes the money I would be able to live on just fine. No I don’t think their dad would avoid paying for them, he is a good dad I have to say. I just remember how I felt as a child with so much bad energy around ☹️

@Hannah my kids are 9 and 3. It doesn’t have to be 3 bedrooms my 2 elder ones can share. My current house is privately rented.

@Katie yes I suppose you’re right, I’ve never been a sole provider it’s always been my partner I just bring in money for the smaller bills so I’m just worrying if it’s not enough but I could live on that money just fine with my children

Ah, your 9 year old would probably want privacy sooner rather than later, so it's understandable that you'd prefer 3 bedrooms. Why are you feeling trapped? If you, financially, could move and rent your own place or move in with your mum, and you're unhappy in your relationship and want to leave, why wouldn't you?

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