Can you heal from heartache?

This hurts my heart for you 😢 it really sounds like you have a good mindset and approach, but so far he’s just not reciprocating that. I wouldn’t give up yet but if he keeps treating you that way, nobody deserves that, and it isn’t fair to you to let it be that way forever. It’s not a stupid belief that we shouldn’t intentionally hurt those we love. Sometimes it will happen but true love should make you feel loved much more than hurt. Hugs to you ♥️

Oh girl I’m so incredibly sorry:( You and your feelings are not stupid at all and I’m sorry that he made you feel that way. You deserve to be treated like a queen, not like how he’s been treating you. I’m honestly speechless over what he said to you about other women being more beautiful. That is such a hurtful thing to say and he should be ashamed to even think that, let alone say it to you out loud. My only advice would be couples therapy and maybe even a break. Dont ever let a man steal your self love and confidence from you. He’s clearly insecure with himself which is why he’s making you feel like shit. It had everything to do with him and nothing to do with you or your looks. He’s with you for a reason, dont forget that! I’m sorry you’re being treated this way and I hope things get better soon❤️‍🩹

He’s the problem here not you but he’s making you think it is your fault which is a big red flag. As women we all get a little insecure at times and as your husband he should have said something like ‘you’re the most beautiful woman to me’ not make you feel worse! That’s not what a man who loves you does. He’s completely breakin you down and you’ve done nothing but try and fix it, why should you have to walk on eggshells around your own husband in fear of him lashing out? It’s not acceptable and you deserve so much better! A man who will make you feel beautiful every single day.

Wow what a gaslighting bellend! And he said/did that on your honeymoon too? 🤦🏽‍♀️ Sorry love, he sounds awful. I don’t think your relationship is salvageable. He’s definitely not husband material. It’s ok to admit you picked the wrong guy and leave. He clearly doesn’t even like you, let alone love you! I would throw this one back into the sea and find yourself a decent man who literally will treat you like a queen.

Thank you, I'm married to him for 2 years and he wasn't like this at the start, it shifted and I think I'm stuck on hoping the old him will return. I'm quite worried about leaving him as I know this isn't the right way to treat who you love. I didn't want to take my baby away from their father, in all honesty I'd rather be single. I think it began at the honeymoon... I'm just so confused and lost, I really don't enjoy who I've become either. Thank you for your messages and time, I really appreciate you reading my rant

I think he did fool me, and himself, as at the start of our relationship we were the opposite of now. He went to parks with me, castles, museums, woods, forests, travelled around, everything. I believed he enjoyed these things as I was true to myself and did things I liked. He would talk about how he enjoyed them and he loves the countryside and this is why I thought we worked. We seemed well connected and I believed we had common interests and we never argued... But now, we argue often. Suddenly, he made every excuse to not do anything at all except be at home watching movies and playing games. Suddenly he no longer cooks with me, or cleans, or anything. Rubbish is all over the house as well as his clothes. Like a teenager. So, as a result. I changed. I became a nag. And I started to dislike myself just as much as he did. But, as I reflected, my change was because I was confused and I was trying to get him to be himself (which wasn't actually himself, but a lie he fed us both for all those years)

He was like this before he met me. Messy. Lazy. Do nothing. I felt overwhelmed, drained, and like I say confused. Suddenly losing myself too. I ended up having to try to do everything I wanted and did by myself or with friends. He then started to say we are like room mates, and I do agree. I don't feel romantic with him and I realised I don't recognise him. Not this version of him. I tried to live a hermit life indoors watching the whole of Netflix then Disney plus, but he didn't do the outdoor stuff with me. I also became a full time everything whilst he just went to work them played games.

So, working a highly stressful job, waking up at 5am coming home at 6pm, then cleaning his mess and cooking dinner and everything made me tired. I burnt out many times. He even leaves the house 2 hours after me and comes home 1 hour before me. But, he goes straight to his computer. I just don't understand this, and I really miss the old him. The one he tried to be when we met. But, ultimately, I feel like this is lost and I don't know what to do. I think we do need couple therapy. I just can't afford it, it's too expensive at the moment with baby... Again sorry for the rant. Too much swimming in my brain at the moment.

Me personally I would of left. And I know it hard believe me but your feelings are not stupid he doesn’t care about your feelings he just care about what you do for him. He sounds like a narcissist my heart hurts for you because you sound so sweet and nice but if this doesn’t change you need to start looking out for you sweetheart nobody else

This is so sad to read. I think it’s a classic anxious attachment v’s dismissive avoidant. Narcissists have avoidant attachment and he most certainly sounds narcissistic if I’m honest. I really don’t know that this extreme of a situation can ever work even with help. Ask yourself how much would he have to change for you to be treated as you need and deserve?? And I imagine it’s a huge deficit. Think of your child being treated this way by their future partner and I guarantee your eyes will fill with tears just at the very thought!! That’s all you need to know. But the most important question is ‘Do I deserve to be loved in a way that doesn’t cause me this much pain??’ Yes Yes Yes!!! Xx

I think you're right, I'm definitely the anxious one. I really hoped I would be with someone who I would never doubt loved me. Like I say, I'd rather be single. I'm quite happy single. But, I do feel like I have messed up. I can't believe it took me this long to realise + therapy because I thought I was the only problem. But, I realise the only way I can be myself again is if he steps up, but at the same time, I know deep down I will hold on the comment of other women... even though I am aware there will always be beautiful women, I just wished my husband made me feel safe. I'm not saying he must only find me beautiful, but I sure don't feel comfortable or secure in our relationship anymore. You know, that feeling where you're in a room of stunning people but you know your man 100% loves you. I wish I had that. Like the "Beautiful people" music video by Ed Sheeran. I would never do that to him, or even stare at another man. It's hurtful. Not even out of spite.

Sounds like he has got very comfortable and has gotten away with being too comfortable. It's so easily done when you love someone! You sound like a very gentle, loving person, which is lovely, I think you need to transform this love into love for you. I think before you decide to leave, the best test is to put the attention you would give him, into yourself. See how that feels for you, this will help you to feel worthy of more through empowerment and self growth. His issues are his and you can't help that- my question on him though would be IS this him or is he unhappy in himself that's why he has changed (his mental health or previous issues surfacing). Either way that is his issue/problem to figue out not yours. He needs to decide what kind of husband he wants to be and that means he has to look at what he is putting in and how he is treating you. But, he would only potentially start looking at that when he sees that your focus has shifted by you finding your own truth and way forward.. self love✨️❤️

Gosh Incog, it sounds like he really pulled the wool over your eyes and did the classic bait and switch that a lot of shitty men do. They know they are lazy disgusting bums which no decent woman would want - so they mask who they truly are, play the game of “Mr Nice” for just long enough until they’ve trapped the woman into either having their kid and/or marrying them, knowing that most women will never leave and then BAM the mask comes off and out comes the real them. I don’t think there ever was an “old him” to begin with so you’re basing your future with him on a lie. I genuinely don’t think couples therapy is going to work here. What he’s said and done to you is far beyond the normal realms of marriage. He is so disrespectful to you! You are looking for compassion in the wrong direction. He will not be the one to give it to you. Continue going to therapy alone, build up your self-esteem and I hope you realise you are worth more than being a loser man-child’s verbal punchbag.

I think you've identified a flaw of being insecure thats ok we all have moments like this but you're digging into it and trying to reach out and get him to understand so you can have some help in those vulnerable moments, honestly you've tried and he doesn't want to hear this, you are beautiful and you deserve to hear this. Yes on a superficial level there will always be someone better looking than everyone, but that isn't a reflection on you, you are you and I think working on yourself to start loving yourself is advisable because you deserve to love yourself and you deserve love form someone else, im not saying your partner doesn't love you but do you feel loved from him, does he adore you other times and have moments of a bad response or does he not even find you attractive. If he doesn't this is not your fault! And don't let him ever make you feel you aren't good enough, that's him doing that to the person he claims he loves(if he does claim that)