I'm struggling, hurt and scared to open up.

The past 6 years has been really hard. I lost a parent, covid cost me my career, my friend circle has disappeared, I'm lucky my spouse is still around, even then he's complained that he's getting tired of being the positive one. I have tried numerous therapists, all horrible experiences from breach of confidentiality to.. just useless advice. I'm terrified to open up to people because of bad experiences with many of my last "friends" because I'm too sensitive to handle their harsh criticism. Example: person 1) was told I deserve to die if I don't pick sides on a war/ vote for X. Person 2) forced me into a conversation about trans ppl that I told them 3 different times I did not want to have. Person 3) Was extremely pissed off because I left an event they paid for early because I was having a panic attack. Then lectured me about drinking as a coping me (something I only do socially) I have more examples. These experiences triggered past rejection trauma, between that and the pressure to appear functional caused me to have a mental breakdown. I feel like I'm heavily mourning from all of these combined experiences. How can I get my confidence back on track? I've been trying to use daily podcasts as they are way more helpful and more affordable than therapists have been. I try to make every day a little better than the last, but I face setbacks. I want friends, but I don't want people who will judge me, or be emotionally unavailable or cold. Ppl say I should join clubs, but that gives me so much anxiety. I'm doing a ton of self work. How do I build meaningful friendships when I still feel so hurt? Thanks for listening.