I need to vent because I don’t want to cry

I just need to VENT!!!! since before my child was born, me and his father has had differences and has always worked out through them… didn’t make the differences stop though. when the baby came to be, with a child being in the picture, I turned a new leaf thinking that we were on the same page but it’s like he’s not okay if everything IS OKAY. it’s like when everything is going good, he FINDS something to complain about and it’s like I try my hardest to not argue, to not fight, to not do any of that. we were together for a very long time but we are not married and when this child came to be, it was VERY shocking. I was under the impression that I couldn’t have children so when I found out about being pregnant, I was both scared, happy, but most of all SHOCKED. I felt every emotion in this moment and I wasn’t all the way sure that I was at all ready to be a mother but a child is something that I always wanted. I had completely convinced myself that I couldn’t have children so when I found out I was pregnant, that was most scariest but happiest moment of my life and all I could was cry. I was frightened. since my baby has been born, I have been making sure I have provided everything he has needed as I should without a doubt. I haven’t complained about much at all besides just being tired but I think every mother even SAH moms have had something to say about that. I made my bed and haven’t complained at all about laying in it. I fully accepted what it was and what it was gonna be, despite the fact that me and his father have a history good and bad and despite my doubts about his father, his father reassured me that everything would alright and he would be in his child life and provide and he is, but it’s like when everything is okay and alright, he finds a reason to just start something and maybe it’s being postpartum and everything that comes with it but I just DONT UNDERSTAND. I do have a way of saying things where it may not come off exactly how I meant it and I always go back behind myself and I’ll admit to my wrongs and correct myself but that just isn’t good enough for his father. I do have a past and a history of being what some may say “toxic” but honest to god, I have been trying to work on that. I have been trying so hard to work on it and not even trying, I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT. the person who I was before I had this baby is NOT who I am today. I’ve been making excellent progress. I had doubts of his father actually keeping his word but so far, he has been. my son knows EXACTLY who his father is and his father has made a point to be in his life had to be present as a father BUT ladies, I just can not keep doing this with this with his dad. I am truly DONE and OVER IT. I don’t want to keep doing this with his father. I truly don’t. everytime we’re doing good and everything is peaches and cream, his father sits and thinks in his mind of what he can be mad about. hear me out, I know this is alot to read but just keep reading. earlier today, we had a conversation and his father asked me if I trusted him with the baby. I said “to an extent” meaning yes I trust you with the baby but there are things that I do worry about for example, making sure he has enough cloths on when it’s freezing outside, or warming up the car before putting him in it. I just took notice at how for some reason in his rabbit mind, he doesn’t know the differences between how things are for an adult and then how things are to a baby. to us, it may not feel cold but to him, it is FREEZING I mean IT IS COLD AS HELL (excuse my french) !!!! and that is just example but it’s things like that that I worry about. I worry ALL THE TIME about his father and the baby. I care about his dad ALOT and I love my son. my son is always on my mind, ALWAYS but to get back to the story, his dad took it the wrong way COMPLETELY and just went CRAZY and and mind you, this always happens even when simple things are said. his dad thinks just because it is him, I’m not suppose to still check in to make sure the baby is alright or how he is doing or anything. ya know in my mind, I think it’s completely accurate and normal for a mother to check in on her baby, no matter who they are with. it’s completely normal for a mother to worry about her baby no matter who they are with, it is just what mothers do. WE WORRY ALL THE TIME and you ladies know how men are. sometimes they don’t watch their selves, their way of thinking is nothing like ours. I’ll admit, I had thought about it and I understood why his dad took it the wrong way so I went behind myself and asked to speak to him to clarify and to just clarify what I meant. I do trust the baby with him, enough to leave him alone with him and all of that. I don’t think he’d ever put our child in harms way LIKE THAT but there are things that I do worry about because at the end of the day, his father is still a GUY and a guy is gonna think his guys think and do what guys do. I asked to speak in person so we did and as usually, it’s the same old shit. just him being angry, SOOO FUCKING ANGRY and its like this man (if we’re even gonna call him that) is like happy with being angry. it’s like being angry is his happy place. I have given this man all the right to be in his child’s life and why? BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. it’s sad but, I count myself lucky because there are so many unfortunate mothers out there whose baby’s fathers DONT CARE TO HAVE AN ACTIVE ROLE IN THEIR CHILD’S LIFE. they don’t want it AT ALL but his father isn’t like that. he has made it abundantly clear that he wants to be in his child’s life in every way possible and I have taken that into account, I admired that and I respect that and I have NEVER kept this child away from him despite how I feel. I NEVER have. his dad said ALOT of things to me tonight that just made me realize like all of this growth and progress that I’ve been making as far as better communication, growing as a person, hearing him out, truly just trynna get better when it comes to dealing with him… it’s really all been for nothing because he is perfectly content with how he is and he can do no wrong. he is such a narcissist and I love my son to death, I would do anything for him but I truly TRULY picked the wrong person to have a child with. I knew this could happen but I truly thought we were on the same page when this baby came into the picture. I truly believed that we both turned a new leaf and I wasn’t alone in that. then his father wants to go on and about not feeling like a parent all because I mention things like warming up the car before putting the baby in it or just doing simple small things like that, ALL BECAUSE I SAY IT TO HIM. he’d have me just sit back and NOT SPEAK MY MIND AT ALL and I am not the silent type. if something needs to be said, I say it. if I feel like something needs to be said, I let it be VERY KNOWN. I am truly FINISHED. he says that he feels like a babysitter more than a parent. so I decided to “relieve” this man child of his feelings, I’d just get someone else to watch the baby while I am at work. yes, this is what it’s come down to and my son is not even a year old yet and this is what it has boiled down to. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am out of options. I mean I am and then I’m not but I just know that I can’t afford daycare so how the hell can I afford a nanny? and then knowing me, I don’t trust anyone outside of family watching my son but I don’t any other option, I only have a few options on my hands and I want to cry so badly, I want to cry out to god so badly because I feel like a completely fool. I’m literally googling nanny agencies and babysitting agencies and all of that…. I hate this for myself.