Partner tells me stuff about what mother in law does and says and expects me to overlook it

So Mil has been a pain in the ass since baby arrived as all the other evil MIL’s in this group. She thinks this is her second chance to fix her regrets without understanding she’s stealing my experience too. Prior to giving birth he told me about the aggressive abuse that happened to SIL that any mother would not feel comfortable leaving their child with mil. However my husband expects me to overlook this and still leave my daughter alone with her. He’s also told me that she’s said that she knew I wasn’t the right woman for him once she realised she wasn’t going to have her way and again he thinks it’s nothing and I should still be respectful to her. I’ve been trying not to throw the abuse in his face because it’s his family issue but the fact that she talks badly about me I’ve told him I won’t tolerate. Now he’s gone and said that he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me anymore even when he’s annoyed with his mum. We have been together nearly 10 years and he once broke it off with me as he said I always complain about his mum when she’s the one inserting herself. I also come from a narcissistic family but live away from them, we still communicate as they are trying to get better and I always share with him about anything that happens when it comes to them. The way I see things is yes we might love our families the way they are but we shouldn’t force each other into situations where either of them become toxic to our relationship. He doesn’t see that obviously and has pulled back altogether claiming his mum is an angel and his mum stating I’m trying to come inbetween them. The mil is always sweet when I have people from my side but when I’m alone with them she starts calling herself mummy, claiming all my daughter’s features and it’s been a year and she’s never passed her to me not once but will confidently snatch her if I’m holding her. I’ve gone no contact with her but now she’s using sil and my partner to be her middle man so she can be around my daughter. I’m now stuck between enduring her abuse or leaving and becoming a single mum

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Is your partner truly a partner?

No one should EVER have to “endure abuse.” Period. Think about what you would tell your daughter to do if she was in your shoes in 20, 25, 30 (however old you are) years. Would you tell her to continue to “endure the abuse” or would you tell her that she was worth better than that and although being a single mom feels daunting, she CAN do it (and something tells me that you have been through a lot, and not only come out the other side, but come out stronger for it!). In addition to not just ‘enduring the abuse’ from your MIL, but your post sure sounds like you have to endure it from your partner as well. He doesn’t sound like he is at ALL respectful of you, and unfortunately (at least from my personal experience) narcissists raise narcissists. That is not what you want to raise your daughter to accept, so you have to SHOW her that she deserves better than that! Lastly, when you talk about your ultimatum of either enduring the abuse or becoming a single mother, nowhere in there (contd.)

do you mention anything about having to lose your partner or having to get over losing your partner. It’s not JUST becoming a single mother, it’s also having to lose your partner. That part didn’t seem to phase you too terribly much (at least that’s the impression that I got from your post anyway). I may be way off here, but I get the feeling that the love you have for your partner is already the love that you HAD for him. It feels like the love has already been lost. If that is indeed the case, you also have to stop and think about if going through all of this is worth it for a loveless relationship. I mean, all of this stuff that you’re describing would be incredibly difficult for ANYONE in a relationship that was FILLED with love for your partner, but to have to go through all of it with someone that you don’t even love (and who can’t truly love you because you just cannot possibly treat someone that you love, the way that he treats you. He may THINK he loves you, but you (contd.)

simply cannot have the level of disrespect that he has for you with someone who you truly love, it. Just. Doesn’t. Work). Again, what do you want to teach your daughter? Because children hear what we say, so you can certainly tell her that she should never be with someone who treats her poorly, but far more, they SEE what we DO. If you’re showing her that you’re allowing YOURSELF to accept that level of disrespect, then THAT’S what she’s going to take away as an acceptable way to be treated. She deserves better than that. So do you.

Wow @Alissa thank you for your advice🩷. I still have some love for him but Im not sure if it’s love or fear of being alone. What you’ve said has really made think me think that this isn’t the type of environment I want my daughter to grow up in

@Kimberly Pawlik that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out

If he makes your life easier, then he's a partner. If he adds to your load, then he isn't

If your partner have recognized your mil abuses to your SIL and still wants her to have alone time with your daughter. He is the actual issue. He needs therapy. If you are open to this, counseling might help.

I think the biggest problem is when you share what families say about your partner I have learnt even if my parents say something I'm not telling him because that's their view not mine I know they get in your head but it's not their relationship it's yours together so he needs to stop sharing this with you because you will always hater her then. She just probably says things because she's insecure or just got a problem with everything best thing is that he doesn't tell you. Easiest way is to stay away from family politics/ drama I don't ask my husband to many questions now about his family because I don't care and don't want to know as it always end up being negative the older generation can't help it we are better than that so learn from their mistakes and don't do this to your future son in law or daughter in law.

@Sehrish you’re absolutely right I really don’t need to know anything about their lives. I guess its my insecurity on why he’s not sharing even the good news about them and me always paranoid that he’s always on their side

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