Just sad

I just feel so sad and so alone. Just for context, my little one is 7 and a half weeks. Also, I’m so lucky to have my partner work from home so he can help with LO throughout the day; and will stay up 11pm-3/4am. My baby is a very fussy velcro baby and doesn’t like to be put down. She cries throughout the day, is on gaviscon for her reflux, I’m EBF and have gone dairy free as she has a potential CMPA, and all she does is cry. Whenever she’s with her dad, he can calm her instantly, even if she’s hungry and it makes me so sad (for me). I can’t comprehend how I grew her for 10 months, birthed her, and exclusively breast fed her and she still doesn’t like me. I try and play with her, talk to her, read books etc when she’s not crying, but she smiles at her dad, but not really for me. If she’s crying, I can’t comfort her even though I do everything the same. It causes me so much postpartum frustration (never at baby or dad) that I end up just getting really overwhelmed with all the screaming and crying. I then sometimes take it out on dad because he wants to help when she’s crying, but I have it in my head that I need to soothe her (I think to prove to myself that I’m not useless), and also because I feel guilty he’s stepping away from work when I should be able to look after her. I get anxiety about leaving the house on my own incase she starts screaming and I can’t soothe / comfort her. On the days where she’s not so fussy, I feel fantastic, like I am a really good mum and can do everything for her, but the days she’s a bit more vocal and fussy, I feel like my world is crumbling. She doesn’t like to be put down so the list of tasks to do is piling up, I feel bad for asking dad to sit with her because he deserves time to himself, and when he does sit with her, I run around getting household tasks done rather than caring for myself. I don’t really have any friends close enough to look after her, the only family members I do trust with her are an hour away and work full time, and 2/3 of them don’t want to look after her while she’s this young. I’m also struggling with recovery post birth. I had my second c-section (14 months after my last c-section) and I’ve had a section scar infection, mastitis, chronic back pain, and obviously sleep deprivation on top. My LO is my rainbow baby after losing my little boy neonatally last year (he was 3 days old), and I just waited so long to be able to bring one of my babies home, and she hates me. I feel so incapable, so sad, useless - you name it, and I’m struggling so much. I try to talk to my partner about it, but he just says ‘she does love you’ and ‘you are a great mum’ etc which is so lovely, but I just don’t take it in. My HV said I have ‘moderate’ post partum depression and someone will check in on me in a few weeks to see how I’m doing mentally. Any advice? 😢

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I believe it's post partum too and if it's not taken care of it'll go out of control and that makes me sad for you. Why only check in on you in a couple weeks? They should be coming up with a plan for you like now. Your baby can feel your anxiety and depression. That's probably what she's feeding off of making her anxious as well. To be absolutely fair right now we are the baby's exclusive dairy cow right now. If my daughter doesn't have a boob in her mouth she's typically crying. Find different ways to hold her. Try putting her in a bouncer and put her in the bathroom with you while you shower. The warmth could soothe her while you have some time for you. It might take her a few times to like the bouncer but in the end it'll be worth the attempt. I know it makes you feel guilty but taking a little bit of time for you will make your baby feel better. You cant take care of her if you don't take care of you. You are meeting her needs yes? Then you ARE a good mom. It's hard and hurts but you are doing good.

And your baby doesn't hate you. Dad is different than mom. You right now are her food source. That's what she sees you as right now and that's ok. Maybe try to pump and let dad have a feeding a day so she can see dad can feed me so mom isn't the only one. That might change a small amount towards you but ultimately she's feeding off of your depression

@Sami I appreciate that, but I don’t think it’s healthy to shift that guilt on a mother who’s clearly struggling by saying that baby is feeding off their depression and anxiety. That’s a lot of guilt to carry, and will only make it worse.

It's not guilt it's truth. Babies and children are sponges. They know when something isn't right and they respond. That's just how it works. Sorry you didn't like hearing it. That's why you need to address your mental health now instead of what they said by stating we will check on you in a few weeks

@Sami I’m not saying it’s not true, but I think it’s important to be careful about saying things when it can make someone’s mental health worse. So many women experience PPD and PPA., and they respectfully don’t need people telling them that they are effectively making their baby ‘depressed’.

I said she's feeding off it. Not that you are making her depressed. I have PPD PPA and I had prenatal depression. I know how it feels and I also know my children and my newborn are directly affected by it. You want it to get better then address it. Don't attack someone and twist their words because they tell you why it's happening and how to help

@Sami I wouldn’t say I’m ‘attacking’ you, I’m merely pointing out that some sensitivity wouldn’t hurt when talking about mental health. I appreciate your comments and your point of view, and it’s not ‘twisting’ your words, you stated that babies will ‘feed’ off the depression and anxiety, which clearly means that their baby is absorbing the sadness and anxiousness which as stated above, can lead to them being sad and depressed. I clearly am addressing the situation as I have stated that I have spoken to my HV and was on here asking for further advice on what to do next.

Hello beautiful new mama! First off, congratulations on your new babe. What a wonderful gift from God. ❤️ I wanted to comment on your post because I was almost exactly where you are now a year ago. I almost couldn't bear it and I did have some very, very dark months through the winter. Just like you, my little girl fussed endlessly when she was with me but seemed to settle when Dad took her. I also thought she hated me, I was already a failure as a mom and that I was a burden to my husband because I couldn't get anything done. He wfh to so it was easier for him to jump in, although it caused some difficulties with his work because he took so much time away just to give me a break and comforting me. I absolutely had PPD and even worse (for me) PPA/PP OCD and my doctors at the time were really not doing much to help. (To be continued, I rambled too long and am the character limit! 😂 Hang tight!)

I shared my experience to tell you two things, 1) you aren't alone at all, so many moms are also struggling with these feelings, 2) it *does* get better! With my daughter's newborn stage being in the dark, depressing winter, it was such a struggle. Thank God for my amazing husband who did so much to help! Anyways, once our precious babe started laughing, the way it touched my heart made me feel so much love and like the best mom in the world. That was my ray of light. I think that was at four months. From there, things got better, just not in a straight line. Some hours, days or weeks were still so very difficult. But there started to be some good, happy days too. We started playing games, reading books, I'd be able to help her practice things like sitting up or crawling. Now I know and see she loves me. She loves Dad too. We each just have very different relationships with her and that's good!

Oh shoot, one more think, I don't want to be presumptive and ramble endlessly at you, but I can share what I did to cope if you'd be interested. Either here or via chat. Much love to you mama, you all will get through this and become such a beautiful family. ❤️

As someone who experienced PPD heavily, I felt like the world was against me. Any advice I received I felt like it was an attack. And I had to really take a step back and realize that people are just trying to help. Which is what Sami is doing, mama. What she’s saying about your baby feeding off of it happened to me too. I did not have a bond with my baby when she was first born and I couldn’t settle her at all. My bd had to take her and he was the only one that could get her to calm down. She fed off of my energy and if I wasn’t calm, she wasn’t either. I think it’s because we were one person she felt what I was feeling. Now she smiles at me when I smile at her and it’s a wonderful feeling. We’re here for you mama! 🫶🏼

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