Grandparent rant - sorry for how long it is!!

Maybe I just need to rant, but I'm quite clear with my boundaries, and my mum is just the generation who isn't. My partner and I have agreed that once the baby is born, for at least 6-8 weeks, we don't want visitors staying over. I want to recover and bond with my baby without people expecting anything from me, and my partner is not used to newborns at all, so I know it'll all be very overwhelming for him. He'll be great, but he's obviously very nervous. I just want us to get used to our new roles in peace and decide on the day if we want visitors. My mum lives in another country, and when I said we don't want visitors staying over the first month or two, she had a face like thunder and went, "Does that mean I won't get to see the baby?!" She's very much like this where she thinks the plans in her head is how things will be and then acts a bit like a child when she finds out, you hsd something else in mind, and even if she doesn't say it directly, she definitely doesn't hide her dissatisfaction. We are planning on visiting her a couple of months after the baby is born but in the first few months we want to be able to say no to visitors and even if she doesn't stay in our house, we'll feel pressured to have her round all the time if she stays nearby We also don't know what our baby will be like and I believe grandparents will have plenty of time to bond with the baby. My mum is just already stressing me as I worry what she'll be like with anything tyat involves the baby which is not exactly how she pictured it. I've already told her I don't want to share my due date as I just want to be in peace with this pregnancy, particularly as I miscarried last year and even if things are going great, that loss will always be with me. I also look back on new mum visits I've made in the past where it was clear the mum was very overwhelmed and just wanted to be alone with her baby. Am I the only in this situation? It's giving me anxiety already and is stressing me out that I feel like my mum makes it more about her.

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You're not alone, my stepmom asked if she could fly over to help after the baby is born and I politely said no. She's disappointed but we already have a toddler, we'll be having the newborn, I'll be recovering and just can't entertain her as well (she wouldn't be much help). Don't feel bad about setting boundaries, let her have a tantrum, your wellbeing and your little one is more important in the first few months, they call it the 4th trimester for a reason 💙

@Patricia ah, I feel you, especially with a toddler as well. This is it. For my mum, it'll just be because she wants to see the baby, and I can't see what help she'll be. Short visits are fine. I tell myself it's her issue to deal with and not mine, but it just still annoys me that she doesn't even see how her behaviour impacts me.

I totally could have written this. My mom also lives abroad and asked which dates she should book her flight for… 🙄 I told her we’ll come visit for Xmas, so she will see the baby then. She was definitely disappointed but was much more understanding than I was expecting. She did immediately blamed my partner saying that he probably didn’t want her here and I didn’t correct her (he doesn’t, but neither do I). I feel exactly the same as you. She would just be in the way most of the time and I just don’t want anyone else here. My partners mum lives 5min away and I already know she would never turn up unless we asked as she’s much better with boundaries but at the same time she’ll be here right away if we need help.

I think you know if the visitors will be helpful or not. I didn't want parents staying when I had my first as I wanted time to figure out how to parent our way rather than relying on the experience of our parents. This time I'm letting my mum stay a month, but I know she will be helpful I don't have to host her. She'll pick up & drop off my toddler at nursery, cook & clean etc and we know how we like to parent now so it'll be ok. I don't mind my in-laws coming to visit soon after birth but again they are helpful. Think they came about day 10 last time, I'd been in a&e all night with a newborn breathing scare and they looked after her while I slept, brought us dinner and looked after us. If I thought any guests would require more work from me than they are help I'd say no too!

It's clear to me that she "just" wants to see the baby and thinks that as a grandparent she has this right to see the baby before anyone else and I know I'd just be annoyed at her because she'd take it personally if I won't let her hold it for too long etc. It's literally just for her to bond with the baby which I think is more important for the parents and if we need help we can ask friends. Main thing for us is to build our routine.So for me it's very much that I feel she would annoy me and to protect myself, my partner and the baby, I want to see how I feel before I commit to guests to avoid any unnecessary stress. I also just think it's such a special time for my partner and me and I want us to have as much time to ourselves as possible.

I understand your point of view but in my culture, your mum moves in with you for 3 months after the baby is born and cooks, helps take of the baby and basically helps you with the new role as you recover. If your mum is helpful, it may not be all that bad having her but you know her best sn know of she will hinder more than help.

My family lives abroad but fortunately I didn't have to specify the boundaries. And it's not like they can get holidays any time they want anyway 😅 So they will probably come in December. To other family members (not parents/brother) who have expressed interest in coming over, I've vaguely said that maybe not before Christmas. But unlike you, I don't really have boundaries issues with my family. Bit easier with the in-laws, since they live 5 minutes away and they can just pop in for a few minutes, but at the same time trickier because we need to make it very clear we don't want anyone around the first few days.

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