Would it be cruel?

Posting anonymously because I’m scared of my situation. My babe has been diagnosed with anencephaly and I’m now 13 weeks. I have an appointment on monday to decide what to do and I’m totally lost. I’m as pro choice as a person can be but I’ve always hated the idea of getting a termination and I don’t think I can do it. I want to carry my baby as far as they will go and hold them and give them my love for the short time they have on this earth. But I have a son and responsibilities and I’m scared I’ll traumatise him. I’m not going to have my son meet his sibling or know about them until an appropriate age since hell only be 20 months when they’ll be full term I’m not sure he’ll know that I’m pregnant. But i’m scared, what if they die before I make it to birth and I have to deal with their death without getting to hold them. I want to know their gender, I want to name them and I want them to feel my warmth. I’ve done lots of research and there’s split opinions with people believing it’s cruel to give birth to these babies for their sake and I guess that’s my point. Would it be cruel to try and have my baby for the few minutes or hours I’m hoping for. Sorry for the info dump i’m just so lost

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Hey, I’m so sorry for your baby’s diagnosis. 🫂 I carried my son to term. I gave him a name, all my warmth and love for the 8.5 months that I carried him, and a million kisses and “I love you”s in the one hour I got before he passed away. It’s not cruel at all to want to give your baby time and love. I understand your fear about losing your baby before he or she is born. Even if you don’t get to hold them alive in your arms, you can still cherish the time you have together during your pregnancy.

I have a few recommendations of books and organizations that I found helpful and would be glad to pass along. It is a scary and devastating diagnosis, and you’re not alone💚

I am so sorry to hear this. How many weeks were you when you found out? Did they see it on the ultrasound?

@Elizabeth Yes please the resources would be so useful. And thanks for your comment it made me feel a lot less alone💚

@Tiffany Yes at 12 weeks

“Gift of Time” is a great book about having a child with a life limiting diagnosis. The chapters about deciding what to do and how to approach the topic with your other children would definitely be helpful for you. It’s written as a collection of short quotes and stories from tons of parents. Anencephaly.info has a website with a ton of information, research, and stories. I got a crochet pattern from their website to make Nathaniel’s hat🥹 They also have a very active Facebook group that’s for mothers who carry to term. Also on Facebook, Anencephaly Hope and Anencephaly Angels are two other active groups. I believe these groups are open to mothers who terminate. Perinatalhospice.org also has a lot of information and a long list of programs by state/country. This was how I found the program at my local hospital that helped us make a birth plan, create keepsakes in the hospital, etc.

And one last recommendation for now: Abel Speaks is an organization that supports families with a life limiting diagnosis by providing keepsakes, photography, mentoring, and more. I love the clay footprint molds they sent us. If you have any questions or if there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know. I love getting to talk about how special my Nathaniel was, especially if our story can help encourage other moms. ❤️‍🩹